Just Because You Had a Bad Accident Doesn’t Mean Your Bachelorette Party Is Ruined

So you can’t leave the hospital, big deal. That just means the bachelorette party is coming to you, Denise! That’s Continue reading →

The One Thing I Always Have To Get At Trader Joe’s Is a Crowd-Induced Panic Attack

Everybody has their one thing. For some, it’s the white bean hummus. For others, it’s the smoked trout. But for Continue reading →

Yes, It’s True–I Had an Affair with Our Maid Amelia Bedelia

Now please calm down and let me explain, honey! Look, we’ve been going through a rough patch for quite some Continue reading →

A Knock-Knock Joke

Knock-knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Oh now you don’t, you son-of-a-bitch! Not this time! Honey, who was that? Where are Continue reading →

This is the Sickest Goddamn Gazebo I’ve Ever Seen

Holy shit. Look at this beautiful fucking thing. It makes Thomas Kinkade gazebos look like a big pile of shit. Continue reading →

This is Going To Be the Best Summer Ever; Unlike Last Year When I Saw that Dead Body by the Railroad Tracks

No longer will I be haunted by that grisly image. This summer is all about fun in the sun! First Continue reading →

Code Red at Smirnoff Ice

—Sir, we have a breach on our website. —Give me the details. —Stacey Masterson, age 17, gained access to our Continue reading →

Rallying the Troops

Men, we’re about to fight the battle of our lives!  Many consider us to be the underdog but as long Continue reading →