M: Hey.
I: Hi.
M: Thanks for doing this interview with me.
I: It’s my pleasure. Thank you for having me.
M: I’m very excited about this project of yours coming out.
I: Yes, me too. I think it’s going to be great. The director has been amazing to work with. The writing is remarkable. And the cast, well I feel very lucky.
M: This is your second time working with this director.
I: Yes, we worked together a few years back on the Jungle Story.
M: I know. But that’s not what I was asking.
I: Oh, I’m sorry.
I: Are you going to ask me a question?
M: This new project delves into new territory for you.
I: Ah, yes. It is a bit more dramatic, and at times resembles an action film. It’s very exciting and different. I remember the first time we had to do this stunt with-
M: Ahem, please. I was going to say, that last movie was quite funny and even romantic in parts. Like a romantic comedy.
I: Yes, that was a fun project. I had a blast filming that with Mitch. I don’t remember ever laughing as hard on set as when we were-
M: Excuse me, I have some talking points written down here that I would like to get to.
I: I’m sorry. I thought you were asking about Birdy.
M: I was not.
I: Okay.
I: Look, you haven’t asked me a single question since I met you. Is this an interview or what?
I: ??
M: I don’t appreciate you questioning my methods. I don’t go to your job – go “on set” – and say you are acting.
I: What?
M: I don’t go “on your set” and say you are acting.
I: You mean go on set and ask if I’m acting?
M: Say, “You are acting.”
I: What? Do you know what a question is? Are you able to ask a question?
M: I don’t know what you mean.
I: I mean can you ask me a question right now?
M: Yes.
I: Do it!!
M: Okay, no problem. Here is something I’ve always been curious about. I read that when you were a kid you weren’t allowed to watch TV so you-
I: I would stay at my friend Jim’s house for days and we would watch TV and make up our own shows. It’s funny because as you know now he’s a noted director.
M: You haven’t yet worked with him in a professional capacity, though.
I: Funnily enough, no. Of course I’ve wanted to. Things I think just haven’t aligned for it yet.
M: Well, thank you very much for meeting me today.
I: Sure thing. Wait a second – you still haven’t asked me a question.
M: Yes I have.
I: No you started talking and led me on. Just ask me something that ends in a question mark.
M: I don’t see what the difference is. Or why you’d like to argue about what a question is. But okay. No problem.
I: Great.
M: I’ve heard you really like this restaurant.
I: Nope.
M: You are a great athlete.
I: C’mon.
M: It is Tuesday.
I: It’s not even.
I: Look if you’ve got like a problem or something I’m sorry I brought it up.
M: (sigh) …question.
I: Did you just say question?
M: Well, I’m glad we can now move past this. I’m hungry. Let’s order.
I: No you just said the word question.
M: Oh, I’m sorry I have to take this phone call.
I: Are you dialing?
M: No.
M (on phone): Hi, Marcy. I was wondering if any calls had come in for me.
M: I see. I’m sorry to hear that. You’ve told me that your mother has been sick.
M: Well. Please take care. I’d like to help if there is anything I can do.
M: Very sorry about that. I told her not to call me now. Ah, here’s the waiter.
M (to waiter): Hello! I think you may have some recommendations!

Brian Byrne is a comedian living in Chicago. He does improv and writes stuff, too. He’s on twitter @abrianbyrne.


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