From there, I was nursed with a gun, my parents would put baby formula inside barrels of various guns and have me suck it out for nourishment. Sometimes they’d cut the formula with some gun oil, so it’d go down easier. I’d often fall asleep in my crib, a colt 45 nestled in in my mouth, dreaming of guns.
As soon as I could walk, I had a pet gun. He’d chase me around the yard. We’d play fetch, wrestling and shooting at each other. When the sun went down, we’d come back in the house, both of us muddy from our long day. My mother would tell us to go wash up for supper and then we’d all sit at the table together, my pet gun too, just like he was one of the family.
The first time I masturbated was to a gun magazine I found out in the woods. What was I doing in the woods? Hunting with a gun. Why didn’t I masturbate to my own gun? Well it was just a little skeet gun, and I was not gonna skeet to a skeet gun, gross. I was gonna skeet while thumbing through pictures of grown adult guns in a gun magazine. Real live guns.
Soon enough, any excuse I had to go out hunting solo, I’d take it, just so i could go jerk off to that gun magazine. My father caught on to what I was doing soon enough, but instead of being mad, he suggested we take a trip into town, and I get acquainted with some real guns. I lost my virginity in the back of an Ammo Shop. I regret nothing.
Nowadays, I can’t stay hard unless I’ve got the cold steel of a gun barrel inside my asshole. And I’d like to emphasize the cold steel part of that, as soon as my anal cavity warms it up too much, well, that’s when I go swapping out guns, it can get pretty complicated sometimes. But, life is complicated when you really think about it.
Around my front side, I’ve got my dick inside of a shotgun barrel. The trick is to insert yourself when you’re flaccid and then when you get hard, you use the natural suction and the tight fit to keep the gun barrel on your dick. It’s harder than it sounds because just looking down that shotgun tunnel can get my blood pumping and then I’ve got to think about basically anything BUT guns.
If my wife and I are feeling really frisky, she’ll stick a gun in my mouth and tell me it’s loaded. She’s not bluffing, it is loaded. She should know, she’s a gun herself. I legally married a gun, and I could not be prouder.
I tell you all this, so you believe me and trust me that I am through and through a lover of guns. I believe it’s every good American’s right to own and operate guns and I’ll fight anyone anywhere to protect the second amendment. I don’t want to take anyone’s guns away. But, possibly there are some very small changes we could make in our background checks for new gun-owners and possibly we could limit, or even restrict, some sales of semi-automatic weapons. You can trust me that I’m being reasonable and my heart is coming from a good place when I suggest that; I literally fuck guns.
Samuel Priest is a Chicago-based stand up. He currently has two podcasts, one where he and 2 friends pretend to be stuck on a deserted island and one about Lana Del Rey. You can find “Podcastaways” and “Summertime Sadness” on itunes. You can find other things he’s written at AbominableIndustries.com.