Good evening, ladies and gentleman…

Following their success at Taco Bell, Pepsi is developing new Dorito-flavored foods. No word yet on whether they’ll create food-flavored Doritos.

A nun in Italy gave birth last weekend. I guess Jesus has a half-brother.

Following a series of misdemeanors, Justin Bieber has turned himself in to authorities. He has been charged on 22 counts of being a little shit.

TV ratings for the State of the Union were the lowest in over a decade. So low, next year they’re bringing in Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

A McDonald’s employee in Massachusetts celebrated his 100th birthday. He said he’ll keep working there until his novel is published.

The star of NatGeo’s “Snake Salvation” has died from a snake bite. Or, as he would have called it, natural causes.

The USPS is releasing a Steve Jobs postage stamp in 2015. It will be replaced six months later by a stamp half the size that can travel 10 times the distance.

A McDonald’s worker in Pittsburgh has been accused of selling heroin inside Happy Meals. Authorities grew suspicious when local children expressed interest in Iggy Pop.

A new app will allow you to find the nearest public bathroom. Or as they call it on the subway, anywhere.

A maintenance guy is suing after falling off the tongue slide used in Miley Cyrus’ live shows. Apparently, Twerker’s Comp only gets you so far…

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died. Per his request, he will be buried under six or seven shirtless Filipino guys.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has lost over 100 pounds since undergoing lap-band surgery. Now he can only block one, maybe two lanes on the George Washington Bridge.

An Indiana microbrewery has created a Star Trek-themed beer called “Klingon Warnog.” It’s the first beer that promises to NOT get you laid.

Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg are engaged. It will be the first wedding in which the entire party dies of smallpox.

PETA reportedly wants to convert Jeffrey Dahmer’s childhood home into a vegan restaurant. Which is odd, because I’m pretty sure Dahmer preferred Chinese and Mexican.

Chipotle officially banned guns from their franchises. In a statement, the CEO said “the only thing that should be exploding is your rectum.”

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly moving to London. Apparently, she wants to live where it’s okay to swerve around on the left side of the street.

Miami-Dade County, FL is reporting a 5% decrease in drug crimes since last year. Authorities attribute the drop to meth labs falling into sinkholes.

Scientists have developed a vacuum-sealed pizza that can last up to three years. “Ha! Our pizza’s been sitting around for five,” said Little Caesar’s.

Jay Leno will receive the 2014 Mark Twain Prize. It was supposed to go to Conan O’Brien eight months ago, but…

Kraft Foods has recalled over 260 cases of Velveeta. Apparently, people were confusing the product for real cheese.

A puppeteer in Halifax, NS is protesting his ban from the city’s boardwalk. Apparently, he would walk around with his hand up some little dude’s ass…

Finally, Floyd Mayweather has apologized for saying women who show off their body are asking to be disrespected. Mayweather made the statement wearing nothing but gloves and tiny white shorts.

Stuart Allard is the writer and creator of the Facebook page “Stu News.” He currently resides outside Chicago.

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