What is the miracle cure that “they” don’t want you to know about?
The information you’re about to receive has been classified and is completely confidential. This remedy has been suppressed by the AMA, the FDA, the DEA, the NSA, the PTA, the JLA and hundreds of other organizations throughout the world because they know that it can put the health care industry out of business overnight!
Do you suffer from anxiety? Depression? Constipation? Diarrhea? High blood pressure? Low blood pressure? Heatstroke? Frostbite? Insomnia? Sleeping sickness? Hives? Scabies? Cooties? Yellow fever? Scarlet fever? Boogie fever? Heartburn? Food poisoning? Sea-sickness? Tapeworms? Rabies? Distemper? Mad Cow disease? Snakebite? Lycanthropy? Low T? High C? STD? ADD? OCD? BLT? Ergotism? Egotism? Leprosy? Ebola? The bubonic plague? Hypochondria?
If you suffer from any or all of these illnesses, then RELAX. Help is on the way, with Relievomax, the Wonder Placebo!
Other placebos work only on select maladies, part of the time. But Relievomax works 100% of the time, on every symptom and illness, in every part of the body, GUARANTEED. Because Relievomax is the only placebo that contains Faithrocil. Yes, Faithrocil, whose top-secret formula is stored in a steel vault at the bottom of the Marianas trench guarded by giant squid.
While we have taken a solemn oath never to reveal a single ingredient in this revolutionary compound, we can assure you that it multiplies the patient’s trust in the placebo’s healing properties by a factor of 500. Five hundred! Honestly. Would we lie to you? Of course we wouldn’t. We’re medical professionals, with years of specialized training. Every Nobel Prize winner in Medicine is either on our board or wishes they were. So when we say that Relievomax with Faithrocil works better than any placebo ever invented, you better believe it. Because it’s true. T-R-U-E. Relievomax works. Relievomax works. Relievomax works.
And Relievomax comes with absolutely no side effects—unless you want them, in which case, Relievomax has more side effects than any placebo on the market. But they’re cool side effects, like feeling high or having 4 hour erections. However, if side effects like nausea, heart palpitations, and uncontrollable vomiting excite you, Relievomax can cause those too. There’s literally nothing that Relievomax can’t do!
“I used to have pink-eye. Now, look into my OVERWHELMING GAZE to see that Relievomax works. Relievomax works. RELIEVOMAX WORKS!”
– The Amazing Boloni
Magician and Mentalist
Until recently, Relievomax was only available by prescription at thousands of dollars per dose, stored in special safes to keep it away from the junkies who couldn’t get enough of it. Underground networks on the Deep Web were formed simply for the purpose of distributing this miracle pill on the Black Market, but still, people were so desperate to get their hands on Relievomax that they turned to thievery, kidnapping and murder, turning peaceful countries into lawless wastelands ruled by narco-terrorists. That’s when the US government decided that this senseless prohibition had to stop.
When the Affordable Care Act became law, Congress decreed that this amazingly effective wonder placebo had to be made available to the population at large at a reasonable price. Faced with no other choice, executives at Schoen-Bien Pharmaceuticals were compelled to offer an over-the-counter version of Relievomax to the general public. Within hours of its release, the Center for Disease Control reported that people all over the country were feeling better already. Which isn’t surprising, considering that Relievomax works. Relievomax works. Repeat after me—Relievomax works!
“Our penal system has over 150,000 inmates, a population that suffers from every conceivable ailment, yet Relievomax is the only treatment we prescribe for all our prisoners. Thank you, Relievomax!”
– Ralph A. Ward
Chairman of the Texas Board of Criminal Justice
How much would you pay for a pill that offers you the closest thing to immortality this side of vampirism? I wish I knew. How about 600 dollars? Okay, 100 dollars. Wait, hold it—20 bucks, but that’s my final offer. It costs more than that just to feed the giant squid!
But you better act now to take advantage of this incredible offer! I mean it. You look a little peaked. It’s probably nothing serious. But let’s just say that you shouldn’t let this offer expire before you do.
Rick Rodstrom is the author of Benedict Arnold: How I Started the American Revolution. More of his words and pictures can be found at rodstrom-nopo.com