1. You have to register your Verizon account online. If the guy at the store tells you he signed you up already, do not believe him. He lied to you. If you do not register your account, Verizon will not send you a bill and you will feel embarrassed when they insinuate (via email, text, and call) that you are an idiot.
2. Not all windows are the same. Isn’t that weird? You think you have a pretty good handle on all windows until you encounter a window you’ve never seen before and you don’t know how to open it. Just keep that in mind.
3. If mangos are not in season, you can’t even cut into them. I learned that the hard way.
4. Did you know John Belushi was supposed to play Dr. Peter Venkman? You know, I guess a lot of people probably know this, but I think it’s important not to forget.
5. If you break your shoes, you can take them to a shoe repair-shop. Really! Such a thing exists and I never knew until very late in life. Some people call them “cobblers,” but now I call them “friends.”
6. A merkin is a pubic wig.
7. A pound of muscle weighs more than a pound of fat.
8. Spare tires should only be driven on for around 70 miles. YIKES!
9. “Cool Jerk” is sung by The Capitols.
10. Jason Schwartzman’s mom is Talia Shire. She plays Adrian in the Rocky movies. I love Jason Schwartzman more than most things in this world. And that’s something you just learned about me.
11. To get a credit card, go to your bank’s website and select the Credit Card tab. Find a credit card that best suits your financial needs. Then apply!
12. To cook broccoli in the microwave, put the heads (and stems, if you’re a weirdo) into a bowl and add 2-4 tablespoons of water. A shallow pool is how I would describe it. Cover the bowl with a plate and cook for two minutes.
13. Dogs can’t eat grapes. They just can’t. They wind up at the vet with a sad—albeit adorable—doggy IV.
14. If you file your taxes and owe a lot of money to the IRS, you can apply for a payment plan. Use Form 9465 to get started.
15. The corpse flower (Amorphophallus titanium) got its nickname because of the smell it gives off when it opens. The smell is most similar to that of a dead body.
16. Pilsners are called pilsners because the recipe was initially perfected in Plzen, Czech Republic.
17. Listerine—or the potent chemicals found within it—reduces the amount of oil your scalp produces. If you are too oily in the scalp region, dab a cotton ball with Listerine and then massage problem spots in your scalp. This is science.
18. Pica is a condition that causes one to eat non-nutritional items, such as ice, paint, dirt, or sand. Pregnant women are the most common sufferers of Pica.
19. Louis CK wrote Pootie Tang.
20. FedEx stores sell stamps. Stop going out of your way to the post office!
21. You know what’s actually really good for dehydration/hangovers/generally bad body feelings? It’s water. Get it together.
22. Ghost lights keep the ghosts away.
23. When sailing, a tack refers to when the bow of the boat crosses the wind, whereas a gybe refers to when the stern of the boat crosses the wind.
24. To start and maintain a fire, use birch bark. Think of it as nature’s lighter fluid.
25. You have the power to stop a running toilet. Begin by gently jiggling the handle. The handle should be in an upwards-facing position for the running to stop. If this does not work, take off the top of the toilet and find the wire-looking thing that attaches to right around the flush handle. Fiddle with that. Sweet talk it. The water is clean, so just do what you need to stop the toilet from making that fucking noise.
Katherine Markovich lives, works, writes, and eats in Chicago. Follow her at @markovichsays to read about what she’s eating and watching. And thinking, too, I guess.