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So you can’t leave the hospital, big deal. That just means the bachelorette party is coming to you, Denise! That’s right, as your Maid of Honor, it’s my duty to make sure you experience an epic party. So I’m going to play the Beyoncé Pandora station on my phone and then amplify it in this empty bedpan because we’re about to get crazy!

Check it out, we brought you some penis-shaped straws! And guess what? They fit perfectly inside your feeding tube. Yeah, go ahead and slurp it up, you slut! You’re so naughty!

Yes, I’m Instagramming this but don’t worry, I’m going to use a filter so you look smoking hot. And, gals, remember to tag every photo with #DirtyDeniseICUPartyAnimal.

Oh no. What’s that beeping sound? No, your heart rate is fine, but it looks like your boner rate is dangerously low! That’s right, I got you a custom-made party favor. Isn’t this machine cute? I know, right? I had to pay the guy at Party City an extra hundred bucks to make it because he said what I was doing was “morally reprehensible” or whatever, but who cares? You’re worth it, girl.

Alright, time for your medicine. Ladies, dump whatever pills are in that little cup. Looks like she got the wrong prescription. What she needs is 40 cc’s of RumChata, stat! Yeah, we’re going to need some in the IV bag as well.

What’s he doing here? No, don’t let him in here. Kevin, you know the rules–the guy is not allowed to show up to his fiance’s bachelorette party! So take those flowers and that sad face of yours somewhere else.

Ugh, sorry about that. Had to enforce Maid of Honor authority there. Ok, time to bring in the nurses… the sexy nurses. Look at these hunks. No, don’t dance with us–dance with the girl of the hour. That’s right, her. The one on the bed. I already explained this to you over the phone. Do you want me to Chase QuickPay you or what? There you go. That’s right, dance on the foot of her bed.

Pssst, ok, so I know you can’t sit up, so I’ll just operate your bed for you. Up and down you go. Up and down. Up and down. Yeah, go to town on him! You’re so bad!

Blink once if you’re loving this and blink twice if you’re having the most amazing time of your life. Ok, you’re not blinking, but I’m going to assume that you’re so grateful for this. Aww, girl, don’t mention it. I love you too!

Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham.

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