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Press 1 for information about the new park adjacent to our corporate headquarters campus.

Press 2 if you’ve ever fallen asleep while resting against a concrete pillar in a parking garage.

Press 3 for a primer on Keynesian economic theory.

You will not reach a customer service representative by pressing zero, so please keep listening.

Press 4 if you have trouble resealing plastic bags for leftover food.

Press 5 if, in your opinion, they no longer make things the way they used to.

Press 6 to hear these options in an Italian accent, or stay on the line to hear more options.

Should we ever agree to connect you to a human being, please select the background music you want to hear while placed in the queue. Press the pound key for water trickling over rocks. Please the star key for a harpsichord fugue.

Press 7 if you would sacrifice using toilet paper if that was the only way to save elephants from extinction.

Press 8 for assistance with recycling large pink pencil erasers.

Press 9 to reach a representative for advice on whether to press 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 or 8.

After you’re all squared away with us, please stay on the line for a brief survey regarding our menu options. Have your Social Security number handy. At that point, we will monitor the call for training purposes.

Joe Fumo is a Milwaukee-area business writing consultant who has published two humorous fiction collections: “God’s Web Site” and “Things To Do This Week” (purchasable on Amazon.com) He has been a newspaper reporter, corporate newsletter editor and public relations account representative. Thus, the need to write silly pieces.

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