I used to be so stupid, but now I’m pretty smart. You wanna be smart like me? Here’s 10 lessons I’ve learned since I was a baby:
1.) How To Walk – This is probably the most important lesson I’ve learned. If you’re body is fully functional, but you can’t walk, nobody’s going to respect you. I spent the better part of a year laying around on the floor pooping in diapers. So #ASHAMED.
2.) Where To Get Food From – Lots of places really, but mainly I like to get food from my big sister’s plate. They give her all the good stuff! Which brings me to my next lesson:
3.) Chew Your Food – Once your teeth come in you’re going to want to start eating solid food. Believe me, I know it tastes great. Just be careful to chew it all the way or else you might end up with taco in your lungs.
4.) Hold My Head Up On My Own – This one’s more of a muscle building exercise. The truth is, you have to work for things in life. Your uncle who doesn’t support your head when he holds you? He’s actually your greatest asset.
5.) Don’t Talk To Strangers – I know it’s tempting to show off your babbling to that nice lady on the bus, but she might not want to be babbled at right now. And if she babbles back that’s not always good, either.
6.) Not Potty In My Pants – Psst! A little secret: I still do this sometimes 😉
7.) Don’t Interrupt Adults When They’re Speaking – Shhh! They’re probably talking about mortgages or Daddy’s “problem” or something. If you’re bored, go play with your cousins.
8.) Bodily Functions Are HILARIOUS – Just think about it, poopoo comes out your butt. That’s funny. Also, I just said “butt”! LOL Epic. Peepee! LMFAO Who pooted? ROFL Burp. Try not laughing!!!
9.) Object Permanence – Grandma’s an asshole. Bottom line. She’s been playing you.
10.) ‘Are You Okay?’ Means ‘Cry Now’ – Usually an adult asks you this after you fall down or your playmate hits you on the head with a plastic hammer. This is your cue to scrunch up your face and scream at the top of your lungs. You’ll almost always get a Band-Aid out of the deal. FYI: Band-Aids are stickers you get for crying.
Bonus Lesson: Where The Cookies Are – In Mommy’s bedside table next to her clear juice!
Shannon Noll is a comedian who lives in Chicago. Follow her on Twitter @snapplegate87