Don’t dance unless you have a partner.

Put your toothbrush in the holder that we bought at T.J. Maxx, not on the counter.
Close the door when you speak in tongues.
Ask my opinion before selecting your outfits.
Buy those cheese and salami rolls more often.
When I point to the vacuum cleaner, don’t give me that look.
After you’ve cooked a fine meal, surprise me by offering to wash the dishes.
When you hear me shoveling snow, turn off that damned computer and see if I need help.
Instead of frowning when I watch sports, encourage me to pursue interests of mine that are independent of yours. And bring me a sandwich, while you’re at it.
Take my libido more seriously.
Refrain from spiking my coffee with lye. I never fall for it, and it makes you seem needy.
Don’t change the locks to the house. I can explain everything.

Joe Fumo is a Milwaukee-area business writing consultant who has published two humorous fiction collections: “God’s Web Site” and “Things To Do This Week” (purchasable on Amazon.com) He has been a newspaper reporter, corporate newsletter editor and public relations account representative. Thus, the need to write silly pieces.

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