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Before the talk show appearances, the book signings, and the million-dollar speaking engagements, I was just a regular guy. I lived in a studio apartment, owned a couple lizards, and had some student loans. But within 16 months, I totally reinvented and re-energized my life. How did I do it? Simple: I jumped onto the race track at the Kentucky Derby and got my face trampled in by a horse.

I would like to take this time to answer some frequently asked questions from my fans.

Q: Did you plan to rush the race track in order to become a famous celebrity?

When we make plans, God laughs. That’s not just the name of my first bestselling memoir or a lyric from the song that LeAnn Rimes wrote for me- it’s also the “about me” section on my verified Tinder account. And something my grandmother used to say before she went into a coma.

I did not plan on getting all of the bones in my face crushed under the weight of a thoroughbred. What I did plan on doing was going to the Kentucky Derby, taking two ounces of psychedelic mushrooms, drinking a bag of wine, and having the best 33rd birthday of my life.

And while that is exactly what happened, I didn’t plan on believing the reason there were so many giant hats was because everyone’s heads were shrinking. And I certainly didn’t plan on thinking the only way to stop the tiny heads from disappearing was to strip naked and jump onto the race track.

So while the millions of people watching the race live may have been terrified to see a screaming, naked man’s head explode like a teeth piñata, I knew God was up there laughing. And if Grandma had been taken off of life support like I WANTED, she would have been up there laughing too.

So how did you turn this tragedy into a true American success story?

When one door closes, another opens. If you threw in a colon followed by “The Brian McGovern Story” that would be the title of the made-for-TV movie about my life. If you then said “now put it in my butt” you’d be quoting LeAnn Rimes after the first time we made love. But on its own, it is the path in which I found success and great celebrity.

My competitive eating days were over the second that majestic beast’s hoof turned my jaw into enough powder to make my coke-fueled bookie salivate. But the door to wealth and power was blown open once it came to light that Matthew Perry owned the very horse that turned my face into not-a-face. Now that I had the media’s attention, all I had to do was not deny I was a war hero and a single father, and the rest, as they say, was as simple as perpetuating that lie.

Are you embarrassed to be recognized as the guy who got his face trampled in by a horse?

A quick reminder: my skull didn’t deflate like a blood-filled balloon under the weight of ANY horse. It deflated under the weight of the WINNING horse…owned by MATTHEW PERRY. The same Matthew Perry-owned horse that went on to win the TRIPLE CROWN – the greatest achievement in horse racing AND the name of the metal apparatus installed in my head that keeps my brain from imploding.

And even if my eyeballs got shoved into the back of my throat by the hind leg of the last place horse, I still wouldn’t be embarrassed to be recognized. In fact, I probably wouldn’t be recognized at all. After Oprah and Mark Cuban paid for my full facial reconstruction surgery, the only time people stop me on the street is to say “thanks for writing your third bestselling memoir, “A Night In LeAnn Rimes” or to compliment me on, as my verified Tinder account states, looking like “a more trustworthy James Franco.”

Do you have any regrets?

We all make mistakes. In fourth grade I stole a pack of baseball cards from a drug store. I once ate an uncooked frozen pizza. I even told my cousin I was going to break into the hospital to secretly take Grandma off of life support. But I do not regret my past because it has led me to my present. If I hadn’t taken those mushrooms or lit that bathroom fire to distract event staff or indirectly paralyzed those two jockeys, I would have never been able to become a famous celebrity. And I certainly wouldn’t have been able to walk into a plastic surgery center and ask for “The Franco.” My only regret is that Grandma couldn’t have seen it all happen… from a comfy part of heaven reserved for people killed mercifully by family members and their lovers (I’m in a sexual relationship with LeAnn Rimes).

Who is your favorite female country/pop singer?

Reba.

Brian McGovern is a writer and comedian from Chicago. He does all the stuff to varying degrees of success. @brianmcgo.

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