1. I mean, I’m not one to be easily flustered by dicks…
2. Will Odin and Artemis accept my offering of tempeh because meat is really gross and I don’t want to burn it in my yard.
3. You are a grown ass man with a PhD and a key to Angela Davis’ house, do not even use emoticons at me right now.
4. A gutter punk in a clown costume just dropped his pants and showed me the chainsaw tattooed on his dick. I think I’m officially too old for punk parties.
5. And then an elderly Russian woman came into the toy store, took one look at me, loudly exclaimed in a very, very thick accent, “Oh! What a sexy lady!” and walked right back out.
6. I could be a fat punk David Sedaris, right?
7. He is a black man, he does not look like me, dude.
8. Why do you always offer to put neosporin on my butthole? I’m fine!
9. Oh I can read your erotic fanfic tonight. I was wondering what to do on a Friday night.
10. You’ve pulled me to my knees by my hair, dude. What’s to be shy about?
Gus Allis lives in the weird space between sell out and crust punk, which basically just means she showers every day but everything she owns has patches and holes.