It’s finally getting chilly in Chicago, and you know what that means…TV IS BACK, BABY!!!!!!! To celebrate the return of friends old and new, I’ve compiled a very real top 10 list of the most promising and totally real shows of 2013.
See if you can guess which of these programs humans wrote, and which were written by a pack of dogs throwing words together!
“The Refurbished American Dream” — Unscripted
A stunning look into the life of a post-9/11 college graduate who has just found enough change in her couch cushions to buy her first McDonald’s ice cream cone.
“Kiley Kisses and Tells” — Drama
This steamy, sexy, sizzling, seductive, startling, sensual, salmon of a Lifetime series stars the newly grown up Dakota Fanning as a divorced 40 year-old woman trying to find love in a small town in Alaska. Also, she catches salmon for a living.
“Betrayal” – Drama
barkkkkkkk WOOF WOOF WOOF GRRRRRRR GRR MAILMAN bark bark pant pant PANT. The series centers on Sara Hanley, a beautiful photographer, who begins an affair with Jack McAllister, a lawyer for a powerful family. Both unhappily married to other people, Jack and Sara find themselves drawn to one another. PANT BARK LICK SALTY GRRRR!!!!
“Dark, Dark, Dark”— Drama
If you can’t get enough of Jessica Lange in American Horror Story, then get cozy in that sofa bed and tune into Dark, Dark, Dark! Trinity Von Pelling (Lange), a Southern widow with a dark streak, discovers a hidden chamber in her husband’s shed that might shed some light on their tumultuous marriage. SPOILER ALERT: it absolutely involves bloodlust, cult behavior, and Lange chain-smoking with her hair artfully misplaced. THIS IS A MUST-SEE FOR BAD BITCHES EVERYWHERE!!!!!
“The Snowman’s Summer Ennui” — Animated
This stop motion-animated drama follows Frosty the Snowman’s son as he comes to terms with the fact that his PhD. in French Philosophy will never lead to anything more than a stale ham sandwich and a shit-stained manifesto. Based on a true story.
“Dr. Astronaut” — Dramedy
The only thing hotter than the doctors on this space shuttle…is the sun they’re orbiting.
“Sleepy Hollow” – Action/Adventure
BARK WOOF woof grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr woof. Ichabod Crane is resurrected and pulled two and a half centuries through time to unravel a mystery that dates all the way back to the founding fathers. BARK CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP AHHHH BARK WOOFWOOOFWOOF RUFF!
“Giraffe Dads” —Dramedy
Black tongues are wagging about this surefire hit centering on three giraffe neighborfriends with three young human children. Will the giraffe dads ever be able to share a family meal without sticking their heads through a makeshift hole in the ceiling? Will they ever drive their children to a baseball game without getting their necks caught on a traffic light? Will the evil zookeepers ever find out what happened to the three giraffes that snuck out of the Lincoln Park Zoo using only pliers and a large trench coat? Tune in to CBS Heartwarming Thursdays to find out!
“The New Chipettes” — Unscripted/Animated
Remember those cute lady chipmunks in the 1987 classic cartoon “The Chipmunk Adventure?” Well, hold onto your jewel-stuffed dolls because the Chipettes are back and better than ever! Think “Bad Girls Club” meets every sexy Disney lady-animal ever drawn…but with more free vodka! Okay, the same amount of free vodka.
Bark woof woof wooooooof bark growl growl growl two successful guys in their 30’s have their lives turned upside down when their nightmare dads unexpectedly move in with them. BARK WOOF BARK!
Kristina Felske is the founder and chief editor of the Other Otter and a big, big fan of appetizers. http://www.kristinafelske.com // twitter.com/kristinafelske.