Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Oh now you don’t, you son-of-a-bitch! Not this time!

Honey, who was that?

Where are the kids?

You sounded angry.

Are the kids home!?

Yes, they’re upstairs. Baby, you’re scaring me!

I want you up there with them.

As your wife I’d like to know what is going on.

It’s nothing–just something from my past. I can handle it. Now go upstairs and pack an overnight bag. You and the kids staying at your mother’s tonight.

If it’s nothing then why are we having to run away!?

I said I’ve got this, Maggy! Now go upstairs and pack some bags!

Daddy? Mommy? Why are you guys yelling?

Hey, sport, mommy and daddy were just having a conversation. Say, how does a sleepover at grandma and grandpa’s sound tonight? We’ll rent a movie and order a pizza.


Honey, someone’s knocking on the back door.

God damn it. I told you not to mess with my family!

Mommy, why is daddy breaking a chair?

That’s an excellent question, sweetie. Why are you breaking a chair, Roger!?

Because I’ve got to board this door up, Maggy! We don’t have much time. Go get my toolbox downstairs!

Ok, but you’re scaring me to death!

Jonathan, buddy, I’ve got to ask you something. Do you think you can be a big boy and get daddy’s shotgun from my closet? I’d ask your brother, but he’s not a big boy like you.

I can be a big boy, daddy!

Great, sport, I knew I could trust you.

Here’s the toolbox!

Where’s the hammer, Maggy!? Nails are pointless if I don’t have a hammer!

You just told me to grab the box! Why wouldn’t the hammer be in it!?

You would’ve known by looking in it!

Daddy, here’s your gun. Alice woke up and she’s crying.

Yes, I can hear that. Maybe your mother can help calm her down.

Mommy? Hey, mommy! Daddy… mommy is sitting in the corner and staring at the wall.

Maggy, I need you right now. Maggy!? Say something, god damn it!


Daddy, the knocking is getting louder!

I know, buddy. Now run upstairs and look after your siblings.

Jesus, Maggy, this is just typical. When times get tough, you just check out. It happened when the restaurant went under and it’s happening now.

Who is at the door, Roger?

It’s somebody who wants something from me, but he’s not going to get it.

Who is at the door!?

I swear to god, can you just trust me for once!?


IT’S AN INTERRUPTING COW! There. You happy!? It’s an interrupting cow.

An interrupting cow wh…




Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham.

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