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Ah, summertime! What a wonderful time to be alive! Unless you have kids. Then it’s a wonderful time for skinned knees, sunburns, and day-drinking “responsibly”…bummer! Here are some unhelpful, non-informative tips to help you and your baby make it through summer in one piece.

1. SUN EXPOSURE

Babies have awesome skin. And while your first instinct as a new parent may be to try and sell that awesome skin to the Olsen Twins, you are actually responsible for its preservation and protection. (The dictionary defines “protection” as the thing you failed to do that caused you to become a new parent in the first place.) So whatever the season, make sure baby is appropriately shielded from the sun. But don’t worry, that doesn’t mean she has to look like a loser all summer! Test the limits of your creativity and sanity and keep baby’s delicious skin protected with an on-trend celebrity disguise!

2. POISONOUS PLANTS

Playing with your baby can be fun and for some people, fun is going outside. But ambitious parents beware because Mother Nature is dangerous and she’s lurking in your own backyard. Poison Ivy, Poison Oak, possibly one of the former members of rock group Poison hanging out by your mailbox and scratching a really gross rash… people be touchin’ that shit all day! Teach your kids this good rule of thumb, “Leaves of three, let it be and never touch anything you find at Uncle Larry’s house.”

3. HEAT STROKE
Heat stroke is incredibly serious and hydration is critical to avoiding it, which means parents should learn the difference between a flushed cheek and a stellar base tan. More importantly, all you Marathon Mommies should make sure you get water to your baby at every third mile of his or her run.

4. CAR SAFETY
It’s a tale as old as summertime. You get into your car, set your GPS for the beach, then accidentally over-adjust your rearview and catch a glimpse of your winter-tummy coiling itself around your seatbelt strap like a python with a bellybutton. You freak out and are in the Bally’s parking lot before you even realize that your baby is asleep in the backseat. But hey, you can skip the cardio and just do a quick set of reps on the thigh abductor while baby sweats some toxins in the car, right? Wrong! Although you should never leave baby unattended in a car, you should especially not do so in hot temperatures. Use this simple test to help you determine if the heat is excessive: crack an egg on your driveway or sidewalk, and whatever it does don’t leave your kid in the car, dummy!
 

5. BUG/INSECT BITES
Prevent bug and insect bites by applying repellent containing DEET and by keeping children away from bodies of stagnant water. That means, if you’re in a situation where baby is in your care but you need to dispose of the body of a dead lover or co-worker, head to the landfill and not the disgusting, bug infested swamp.

Overall, it’s probably your best bet to just stay indoors this summer. Unless someone is having a pool party! Pools are fucking awesome, and as far as I know they are 100% safe for children. ONE. HUNDRED. PERCENT. 

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Courtney Schmidt likes comedy in all different forms, and did some sketch writing and stand-up at Second City before having a kid.

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