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CHARACTERS:
PANDIETTE A young female Capulet, played by SUNSHINE, an adult female panda at the Edinburgh Zoo
PANDIO A young male Montague, played by SUNSHINE, an adult male panda at the Edinburgh Zoo

SETTING
The panda enclosure at the Edinburgh Zoo

Inspired by
The Panda Chronicles by Anne Belov
and
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

(Panda enclosure at the Edinburgh zoo. PANDIETTE and PANDIO enter from opposite sides of the stage and don’t see or come near each other.)

PANDIETTE
(To audience)
Hi, all. Thanks for surfing by. Thanks to everyone who Liked my last week’s entry. Guess you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to. So I met this panda, Pandio. He’s to die for. Handsome, sweet, thoughtful. Only one problem. He’s a Montague, I’m a Capulet, yada yada yada. I mean, who cares? A panda’s a panda, right? But our parents don’t see it that way. Capulets can’t hang with Montagues. Look, he’s a guy. And he’s single. You’d think we weren’t an endangered species.

PANDIO
(To audience)
I hope she doesn’t think I’m stalking her. Uh, yeah, so I Googled her family. They’re, like, my family’s mortal enemies. But who cares? She’s cute, cuddly ā€“ hello, she’s a panda ā€“ and she likes me. I get tingles just thinking about her.

PANDIETTE
(To audience)
Who’s making all that noise in my garden?
(To PANDIO)
Who’s making all that noise in my garden!?

PANDIO
My bad. Is that Pandiette?

PANDIETTE
Is that Pandio?

PANDIO
Only if you like me to be Pandio.

PANDIETTE
It is you! Climb up here, you fool.

PANDIO
I can’t. I’m afraid of heights.

PANDIETTE
Since when is a panda afraid of heights?

PANDIO
Okay, so I’m a bad panda.

PANDIETTE
I could climb down.

PANDIO
No, you might fall.

PANDIETTE
I’m a panda. I’m roly-poly. I’ll roll and I’ll, um, poll?

PANDIO
I’m so nervous I just wet myself.

PANDIETTE
Like, ewww. Buzz kill.

PANDIO
I’m sorry.

PANDIETTE
Look, why don’t we forget it?

PANDIO
Wait, I could-

PANDIETTE
(Calling o.s.)
Hey, there’s a Montague in the garden!

PANDIO
Shhh.

PANDIETTE
(Calling o.s.)
Help, get that Montague out of here!

PANDIO
No, no, no! Crap!

(PANDIO exits.)

PANDIETTE
(To audience)
As I was saying, his name is Pandio. He’s adorable and sweet. Too bad he’s a Montague. Guess I’ll have to go find someone else. Well, I’ll be vlogging you again next week. Be a dear and subscribe, okay?

(Exit. End of play.)

Chas Belov is a playwright in San Francisco. He has no concept of social media. His Twitter handle is none of your business.

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