She trusted you. She really trusted you. She thought you could handle it. Her biggest fear was that you wouldn’t make the bed or worst case you spill something. But this, no not even in her most vivid nightmare did she envision this happening. I mean, you’re a grown ass adult, this shouldn’t be happening to you at your age. Never trust a fart, you know this! How many times must we learn this lesson before it sinks in?!
Alright, so it’s happened, it’s a foregone outcome. You’re a 26-year-old male who apparently can handle the responsibilities of a relationship but can’t manage the poop coming out of his butt. Well done sir! Never has a college graduate stooped so low.
You can’t just lie here, you have to do something. You need to get up, wash her sheets, change your underpants, take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, then go file for unemployment.
Fuck, you are a loser.
Okay you’re up and you’ve bundled the sheets, that’s a good start, just make sure none of her roommates see—god dammit, you’ve been spotted. Hilary, her nosy roommate who has—you know what, screw the description. MURDER HER NOW AND WRAP HER IN THE POOP COVERED SHEETS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE FINDS OUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
Alright cool, she’s dead, now all you have to do is drag her down the three flights of stairs, throw her in the garbage, buy new sheets and file for unemployment. Do not let this day go to waste, this was your “turn your life around day” and this little hiccup shouldn’t throw your whole schedule off track.
Man, lifeless bodies are way heavier than you ever imagined. This is making an inordinate amount of noise as her dead corpse obtrusively bangs on each and every step as you make your way down the back staircase.
Great, the old widow who lives on the second floor heard all the racket you were making and has spotted you. She’s asking questions, and you’re all like, “Don’t you have some pies to bake or a picture of your dead husband to cry over while sitting next to a fireplace?”
Turns out she doesn’t.
Her eyesight is very poor and you could probably convince her that a raccoon snuck into your place and you were forced to dispose of it. But why live in fear? Just murder this old broad and have a clear conscience.
Damn, that was easy. She was like, SO old. You actually feel kind of embarrassed for her; nobody should be that easy to kill. But at least now she’ll be with her husband in the afterlife and you get to feel like an unintentional Dr. Kevorkian.
Man it’s crazy how much you knew about this woman that lived in your girlfriend’s building yet you feel absolutely nothing. That’s a sign of a psychopath, ya know, a complete lack of empathy. Like they hook you up to a machine that monitors brain wave function and they show you a picture of a chair and then right after a picture of a kid in the children’s burn ward. And if you’re a psychopath, you react the exact same way you did to the chair as you did to the picture of the melting child.
Anyway, let’s drag this old wench down the stairs so you can have a “me” day.
Woof, you know what’s heavier than one dead body?
But you have a ton of adrenaline right now so it’s not too bad. Lucky for you, it’s trash day so this should be a quick pickup. Just to make sure that everything goes smoothly you should wait by the trash can until the garbage man comes by to grab these dead ass ladies.
Alright he’s here. Oh god, it’s so incredibly obvious that two lifeless bodies are spilling out of this trashcan and into his truck instead of the usual bags of garbage. He knows too much, three’s your lucky number and nobody will miss this guy if you just choke the shit out of him.
Look at his eyes, don’t turn away, you’re going to miss the best part! There, that’s it, stare right into his baby browns as he gasps for air and eeks out his baby daughter’s name for the last time.
Oooh! Stick shift is hard and this truck is big! But that’s okay, you’ll get used to it, because you’re a garbage man now. This is your life, you are “Brandon Farragut at 1450 N Ridge, Highwood, IL” and judging by your wedding band that’s a bit snug, you’re a family man.
Yes, this is the bed you’ve made and now and there’s no turning back, but guess what? You don’t have to file that unemployment, cause you’se a working man now! Nice work on never letting a day go to waste.
You know what they say, when the morning brings you poopy sheets it’s on you to become a garbage man.
Andy Kushnir is a comedian from Chicago. He pretends to travel the world here at latersusa.wordpress.com. His family is the best.