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I fell asleep in my underwire bra last night. Upon waking up, I Googled “will I die from sleeping in an underwire bra?” and learned that yes, in fact, I will. Before the cancer I will surely get from this fatal error robs me of the ability to say goodbye, I would like to take this moment to do just that.

Mom and Dad: Thank you for always believing in me. Your confidence in me inspired me to be the best I can be, and now I am living proof that a girl can do everything and anything she puts her mind to. I’m just sorry I ruined it by giving myself cancer by sleeping in my underwire bra last night.

 

Rachel, Lizzie and Adam: As siblings go, you’re the best. I know you’ll all be great parents someday. Please tell your children that their aunt Dana is sorry she’s absent from their lives, because of the night she fell asleep in an underwire bra.

 

Uncle Larry and Aunt Paula: I never got my Hanukkah check, but don’t bother sending it now. I’m going to die because I fell asleep in an underwire bra.

Beth, Jessie, Rorie, Alana, Bobby, Kent, Jackson, Lydia, Heather and Paul: You’re my best friends. Please don’t tell any of our/my other friends that I sent you this e-mail and not them because I don’t want any of them to be mad at me after I die from sleeping in an underwire bra. But seriously, I love you. Thanks for being there through thick and thin, and seriously though…hospital party! Rorie, you bring the Malibu, Kent try not to throw up! AGAIN!

Cammy: I know we had a falling out, but let’s work through it. We were always such good friends. I want to make up before sleeping in an underwire bra claims my life.
 

Doug: I don’t know if this is your current e-mail address, but as the only long- or short-term boyfriend I’ve had I felt the need to let you know that I’m dying of breast cancer because I fell asleep in my underwire bra last night. Remember when you used to tell me how pretty my breasts are and how you’d do anything for them? Well now is the time to step up. I know you were always really smart in college and even though you were studying business, you might be able to find a cure or like save me somehow. Also are you dating anyone right now? If not, just know that I’m not wearing a bra til I get my prognosis, so “easy access!” Remember that? I am going to take the train back to my parents’ place in Croton, so if you want to hang out, that’s where I’ll be… Hope this is the right e-mail address.

 

My doctor is calling me back now so I have to go.

Love,

Dana

Julia Weiss is a writer, improviser, and actress. Julia has a big heart and a tiny bladder. Julia likes baths and wine. @weiss_tea.

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