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Do you like that? That’s the head of a Nepalese snow leopard. My husband- the Ambassador- hunted it, killed it, and mounted it as an apology after I caught him bum-boffing his sherpa’s wife. Some people might call him a poacher. I call him a MAN. A man so virile he could tame the mightiest of beasts- including the beast that lives in my heart. My sister Bethany calls that beast alcoholism, but I call it PASSION.

Passion.

Fueled by alcoholism.

Do you like that? That’s the head of a white rhinoceros. My husband– The Ambassador– hunted it, shot it, and killed it and mounted it as an apology after I caught him motorboating a Congolese water witch. Some call him a monster– I call him a MAN. A man whose virility was increased tenfold when he ground down that rhino’s horn and snorted it off the chest of said Congolese water witch as I watched. My sister Bethany calls that an emotionally abusive relationship. I call it RAPTURE.

Rapture.

Fueled by alcoholism.

Do you like that? That’s the head of a human man. More specifically, my husband- the Ambassador. I hunted him, shot him, and mounted him, as a present to myself after I caught him mutually masturbating my sister Bethany. Some call him dead. I call him a dead MAN. A man who won’t ruin another Thanksgiving, I’ll tell you that much. My sister calls it- well, my sister doesn’t call anything anything anymore because she’s the head right next to him, but I- I call it JUSTICE.

Justice.

Fueled by alcoholism.

Brad Einstein is a comedian living in Chicago, Illinois. No, he is not related.

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