However danger did approach. A slap on the face was my wake up call and a sword trying to slide up my bum was my warning to start moving. Pirates had found me on their beach and decided to take me hostage. When they learned about my intimacies with their mermaids, they threw me into their boat’s jail cell. The fearsome Captain Girth said that my punishment would be handed out come morning.

I sat all night in the cell and listened to the men on the beach drinking rum and rolling with the beautiful mermaids. I could hear laughing and splashing and wondered if I would live to see the outside world again. But when Captain Girth came to my cell, he was not as angry as before.

“I see ye have been teaching our ladies some new tricks,” he said. “Care to explain yerself?”

“I was there, so were they.”

“I don’t know where ye learned this stuff, but it’s almost unbelievable. I’m not gonna take you hostage. Hell, I should be thankin’ ya! Them boys is pretty pleased with what them mermaids learned from ye.”

I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that my death would wait until another day. The good Captain let me out of my cell and explained how I would be traveling with them because even though I taught the mermaids well, they were still the jealous type and couldn’t bear the thought of one man alone with all of their ladies. It was an agreement that I could easily sustain.

Soon, the anchor was lifted and I set forth with these pirates unsure of where or how I would find my love. Fate had been kind thus far, but it has a cruel way of working out.

A fortnight into our sailings, we passed a merchant ship.

“How much do you think that boat weighs?” Captain Girth asked me.

“I haven’t the foggiest.”

These pirates were not like the usual rape and pillage pirates, they were testosterone driven mathematician demolitionists. They’d blow up a ship using a single shot just to watch it sink.

“I’d say as much as 15 whales. I say whales because in order to estimate correctly, you have to use something you know and I know whales are heavy. Include the fluctuations of weight between the animals and I’d say that boat weighs 15 whales. All we need to do to sink it is find the one with the lowest self esteem and shoot it in the arse.”

It was unbelievable really but a true testament to my mission. If I could hold fast and steady my goals then the reward should be ever so sweet. Even when the night is as dark as pubic hair, the day is always brighter like the skin beneath it.

From humble beginnings in my small rowboat, this epic has turned into a fascinating study of the lengths a person will go to for love, dare I even call it that. The letter only stated that she wanted to see me again and it was my own concoction that allowed me to believe that love was the cause. The thought had never crossed my mind that she would want to see me because someone had died or great change had been forged. There are myriads of reasons a person sits down to write an inconspicuous note and without her voice reading the words aloud, there was no way to know. She may have been wearing cherry lipstick writing by candle in black lingerie, or she may have written it with the same tone and inflection as two teenage lovers who are having a falling out and feel compelled to break up. This may very well be where faith and trust comes into the game and I had already made it so far.

Captain Girth and his crew accepted me as one of there own, but refused to let me venture anywhere by myself. The constant need of surveillance was more of a safety precaution to ensure that I would not escape to the authorities and reveal their delicate secrets. To prove my worth, we boarded land and went to a pub where an official begged me to reveal the plans of the notorious captain. I knew these things must not be uttered, for the pirate’s code in dealing with traitors is unforgiving, so I told the official to wrap his mouth around my hang down. Though I was beaten like a drunken boxer, my trust and friendship took full effect.

Over the course of the next month, I partook in their raids and sinking of ships. The sensation of power was almost as great as a peaking orgasm but I soon longed for the touch of my dear love. Destruction was a game for boys who could not express themselves correctly, although it did prove to be a pastime I would grow to miss on the days where nothing seemed to be right. While barges would explode and sink to the depths and men swam furiously to escape the circling sharks, I found myself thinking “How I wish you were here.”

Then, that day came. Our crew was following a fleet of passenger liners in which we were convinced could be such fun to destroy. The rich have a knack for losing control and they often chartered these boats to bring them on long and pointless cruises.

One shot and they all go down, so we opened fire.

Men and women jumped screaming into the water offering us gold and diamonds in exchange for their lives, but we would take none because those who live often tell the tales. Though these pirates were not the rape and pillage kind, one must not assume they were also civil. Ruthless is always within the description of a seafaring party, just as dirty and raw are within the descriptions of strippers.

Suddenly, a man pulled himself onto our bough and dripping wet, he called for a temporary cease fire.

“Please! My fiancé and I seek safe passage. If you must spare one, then please spare us.”

Captain Girth looked out and counted the remaining boats. He then calculated the trajectories for cannonballs and time efficiency for sinking the other life boats.

“Aye, ye shall be spared,” and we loaded the cannons. The other boats were hit within the hour spraying bodies and water into the air like a gushing geyser leaving only this dripping wet bearded man and his unseen fiancé.

This man was dreadfully boring and though I tried to make polite conversation, he wanted none. After only minutes I knew he had no sense of adventure and climbing aboard this ship was probably the bravest thing he had ever done.

“When is your wedding date?” I asked him.

“Why should I tell a pirate?” he replied.

“Why pay a whore for sex when you can get it for free with a little personality?” I retorted, but he did not seem to understand. The look he gave was that of a dog who had just unknowingly swallowed a bee. I shook my head and went to see if perhaps his soon to be wife was as plain as he.

But to my surprise as I peered over the side of our ship, I recognized the lone woman floating on the green-blue blanket of ocean as my long lost love!

W. Tyler Paterson is a charming dude who plays music with comedy band the Shock-Ts.

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