A day or two passed and I read the note over and over again committing it to memory. The smell of strawberry soap was like a breath of cool air on my nipples, it reminded me of her, the she, and I reminded myself that this adventure was not a sexual escapade. The last time we had been together, I saw her naked body and became fascinated with the female form. Her firm breasts and buttocks like the sculptures made from the innards of fruit were juicy and waiting for a bite. There was more to it than animal magnetism, and granted it was the first one I had ever seen, it was also the greatest.

It was for this reason that I began a lucrative career in publishing lewd magazines featuring naked females (another fact I kept hidden from the high self-esteem brigade). With all of the pictures, my longing was to find one that could equal hers although none ever did. Even my bouts with nymphomania were unconscious desires to learn how to please so that when we did finally meet again I’d be able to make her quiver. There was more here than a mere physical attraction which can only bring a person so far. Introduce feelings and that’s when it gets interesting. And to think, a magnate like me driven to success by a secret muse and she wanted to see me again.

Perhaps she knew that she was the cause of my success, along with my anguish and constant erections.

Even the strong can be weak.

During a night while I had drifted off to the lucid world of dreams, my boat hit a small island where a midget vampire named Claude lived. Unbeknownst to me, he was very very hungry, but I had no food to give. He wanted blood, but my voyage had rendered me thinner than usual and unable to spare even a drop. Of course, when I woke up that day, he was in my boat sniffing my crotch.

“I smells it!” he said.

“That’s mine!” I yelled back and pushed him aside. It was then I noticed that I was fully erect and that was the blood he smelt. My dreams were once again the sounds of pounding flesh and heavy breathing. Yet when I stood and noticed the peculiar monster, he backed away. Too small to be a serious threat, he befriended me quickly for safety and friendship reasons. We came to the quick agreement that I would not beat on him if he made no attempt to chomp my rod.

This particular vampire could be outside during the day, the sun could not harm his flesh except for the occasional sunburn. He was exiled here when a group of drunken sailors mistook him for a child and made him play bury the treasure. He killed the first one out of sheer principle before revealing his status as a creature of the night (and day), so they left him on this island.

Claude was a funny sort of fellow who liked to climb trees and skip sand dollars in the shallows. However whenever I became erect, his face, near my crotch, would show great struggle at the smell all of the rushing blood to the tip.

“Please, just a nibble,” he would beg.

“Out of the question,” I would say with a stern authority. He would then bare his teeth and slink into a shadow. It was more cute than intimidating.

This led to his spells of depression and loneliness because as a male, he wanted to be adored. I promised to help in any way I could since we were now friends and he helped me gather coconuts and shellfish.

“To taste the blood of a woman would be a dream come true, you see. I often dreamed, I did, of having a ship full of women crash here to live with me.”

“It’s not as good as it sounds. I lived at sea with a crew of…” and then it hit me.

I knew exactly how to help this poor soul.

I ran to the row boat and looked for the receiver switch which located stolen property and flipped it to activate. Within a day, Vermont and her crew sailed to the island and found me sitting on the beach. They were not happy, which was justifiable because a man had left them in the middle of the night and never called, and they threatened to send me to the gallows. My bargain was that if they took my companion

Claude, then they would never see me again.

With one look, Claude fell in love and the women of the ship cooed at his miniature proportionality.

“Now here is a man worthy of our ship,” they giggled, “we accept your offer.”

Before they left, I pulled the vampire aside and told him to beware, that they weren’t his average women, but he cared not. “And you’ll only eat once a month, but it shall be a feast,” I promised. He shook my hand and asked, for old times sake, to smell my crotch. It was the least I could do so I made myself hard and let him bury his nose deep before he waved goodbye.

However life on that island was lonely. What I believed to be small was actually quite large and days were spent traversing the circumference beaches. Still, I dreamt of my love and thought back to my manor by the sea where I presumed the most vile and raunchy of acts to be taking place. I thought of Jonathan and wondered if he was curled up by the fire with Selena, a maid that he had been eyeing for a while. The comforts of home became a torturous thought for they were so far away. My sexual frustrations were at a peak.

But one morning, I found an inlet where sunbathing on rocks were mermaids.

They had the bodies of women with the flippers of the fish. They saw me and rejoiced stripping me naked and for three days, I swam in their pools of pleasure to live out my innermost desires there.

They licked the insides of my ears and tongued everywhere below my pelvis. I sucked their fingers and flippers and held their breasts with such thankfulness that even still it feels like a dream. I traced their neck with my hot breath and sucked the soft spaces until there were marks.

We taught each other many tricks to heighten experiences then put them to immediate use. When I finally felt like I could do no more, like a ketchup bottle that only has remnants clung to its sides, I slept a most deep and undisturbed sleep where I dreamt yet again of her. Understand that in the quest for love, wild oats must be sown in order to experience the true beauty of monogamy. The mermaids of the inlet bathed their bodies clean and guarded me from any danger that might approach.

However danger did approach.

W. Tyler Paterson is a charming dude who plays music with comedy band the Shock-Ts.

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