A false story about a man who ate 413 cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster has been floating around the internet, leading many web browsers to believe that an Arkansas food critic was hospitalized after falling into a coma from the salt and butter content of the complimentary rolls. The story originated from an online news publication known as Rock City Times, Arkansas 2nd most unreliable news source, and was then picked up by several British tabloids who believed the sensational story to be true.

It makes sense though right? Because it’s Arkansas, and Red Lobster, and we live in the second fattest country in this hemisphere. And were only in second place because of Mexico, which…if we’re being honest, is only in first place because they are attached to the United States. And with over 350 Red Lobsters in the continental United States, you have to assume that most Americans have crossed the thresholds of one of the fine establishments at one point in their lives. Or more than once, if they’re lucky enough, or unfortunate enough depending on your outlook/economical standings. And if you’ve ever dined adjacent to that tank of lethargic lobsters who were most definitely unlucky to have found themselves in a Red Lobster, then you’ve seen, smelled, or tasted a Cheddar Bay Biscuit.

Now Cheddar Bay Biscuits are not just your average bread basket fair. In fact, Red Lobster claims to serve over 1.1 million of these heavenly little butter rolls each day. And if you’ve eaten one roll, then you know how easy it is to eat five before you can say “Admiral’s feast” to your pock marked 16 year-old waitress Becky who can never remember if you wanted your creamy langostino lobster potato baked or mashed. And unlike Outback Steak House’s signature Bloomin Onion with spicy bloom sauce, the Cheddar Bay Biscuits are on the house so they keep ’em comin’ until you say “hold your fire.”

Maybe the saddest part is that three different British newspapers were convinced that this actually happened. They believed that an American could be dumb enough or gluttonous enough to eat his way through 62,000 calories of dough and cheese. In the original fake article it said that doctors had to drain two gallons of butter from the man’s body and that he was expected to make a full recovery in time for his visit to Golden Corral’s chocolate wonderfall later in the week. So it brings into question, who’s the fool in this situation? England or America?

The British are clearly inclined to believe that we are all fat slobs who like nothing more than to stuff our faces full of carbs and fats until our bodies give out forcing us to be drained like pasta noodles. Sure that doesn’t reflect well on the public opinion of the numerous residents of these United States. But these British tabloids re-reported a false story with details so outrageous that retelling them is reminiscent of my mother on the phone with one of her girlfriends. “You’ll never believe what I overheard at the nail salon; President Obama supports abortions up to nine months into pregnancy.” Similarly to my mother, the British don’t control us anymore and we can eat as many biscuits as we want—even if it makes us fat, tired, and hospitalized. You don’t know us anymore, England. So don’t go telling all your friends that you think we’re gay because we haven’t been dating much lately, and yes, we have gained a little weight but we feel just fine about it.

And yes Becky, I would like another basket of Cheddar Bay biscuits because what isn’t more fitting than complimentary rolls in the land of the free and the home of the brave? And if you have any ranch back there, I’ll take that too.

Susan Glynn was once optimistic but life has been hard for her lately and she seems to be losing steam. She hopes things will turn around soon. Enjoy the pessimism while it lasts.

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