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TO: Chandler Goodman

FROM: Random Democratic Party Staffer (randomdemstaffer@democraticparty.org)

SUBJECT: Recent poll release an opportunity to urge you to give us money:

Chandler–

ATTENTION- Have you seen the news? If you have, it’s true: This afternoon a poll was published that has given us yet another occasion to urge you to give us money!

The poll (which was conducted by four “research specialists” who share a 600 sq. foot office next to a Jamba Juice in an anonymous suburban strip mall) sampled the opinions of 15 white people between the ages of 43 and 45 as they shopped the frozen foods aisle of a Gahanna, Ohio Kroger grocery store.

The results of their survey include the following findings:

  • 56% of Americans think the “path to citizenship” should be a long sidewalk back to Mexico
  • 45% of Americans discredit global warming because they had to wear a jacket last weekend
  • 77% of Americans want to know if we carry Stouffer’s beef stroganoff in a family size

This just shows that Ted Cruz’s vision for America is taking hold and that all of your worst nightmares are coming true. Karl Rove is winning again. If we are not careful, soon basic women’s rights to basic reproductive services like pap smears will be in jeopardy. Ew, pap smears, gross! America stands at a critical juncture! Its future hangs in the balance! It is at an inflection point! We need Democrats like you to stand with America by donating money to the Party RIGHT NOW.

Seriously, NOW! THIS MOMENT! STOP THINKING SO MUCH AND JUST DO WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOUR COUNTRY!

Your financial contributions fund important costs, like my salary, my boss’ salary, and non-stop pizza for everyone who works here. Also, this email has taken me more than four hours to write because I have spent the entire time g-chatting with this girl I’m trying to get with (a tall, blonde glass of heaven who works in Mitch McConnell’s office – I’ve got a thing for hot Rs…) and because I took a 30 minute break to do a phone interview for a cushy gig at a K Street lobbying firm. If I get it, I will be making 10x what I do now and will ball so hard. The Progressive dream is ours to realize! Now is our time of need!

Only three months remain before the close of this quarter’s Federal fundraising deadline. As this harrowing poll shows, time is of the essence if we want to fend off Marco Rubio and his gang of evil cohorts and achieve our Liberal utopia. Every dollar you give will be matched by George Soros. Give me my pizza.

Take action now!

– Random Democratic Party Staffer

Growing up outside of Cleveland, Chandler Goodman formed a youthful and lasting love of sports, politics, comedy, and foods covered in cheese. Writing and improvising in Chicago, he has finally found a community where his four passions intersect. You can read what he thinks about while he’s sitting on the bus at @SuchAGoodman.
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