Holy shit. Look at this beautiful fucking thing. It makes Thomas Kinkade gazebos look like a big pile of shit. And you know how much I love my boy Thomas Kinkade.

This gazebo is absolutely crushing it. My god. It’s rocking an iron fence, stained cherry wood floors, and a clay tile roof. And wait, are those both Ionic AND Corinthian columns!? Shiiiiiiiit, son, game over. This pavilion is ornate as fuck.

I bet this architect, Otto Friedrich, got mad tail. How could you do fine latticework like that and not be a pussy hound?!

I wish I was a young Mexican girl because I’d have my Quinceanera here. I’d wear the prettiest little goddamn dress. I’d have punch served here and have my gifts on a table over there. My Quinceanera would be off the goddamn chain.

This gazebo would make Maria von Trapp cream her jeans.

You know the idea of marriage repulses me, but I would sign a lifelong social contract with somebody just to have my wedding photos taken here. I’d divorce her ass the next day, though. She can take all my money, I don’t give a shit, but I’m keeping those majestic-ass photos.

Speaking of which, hold on a sec, because I’m going to Instagram the shit out this. Filter? No way, bro. When a gazebo looks this fucking fly, you don’t need to enhance it.

Whoa, what’s that over that? A koi pond!? The lord is blessing the shit out of me today!

Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham.

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