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For years, Match.com, the world’s largest online dating site, has concluded its commercials with the claim, “People who join Match are 3x more likely to find a relationship than people who don’t.”

That statistic was produced by the research firm LMK Insights, which, in the same study, identified the following to be true as well:

  • Match members are 55% more likely than non-daters to pester co-workers into joining them in annoyingly alliterative weekly events, such as “Margarita Mondays,” “Tasty Tuesdays,” “Wine O’clock Wednesdays,” “Thirsty Thursdays,” or “Frosty Fridays.”
  • Match members are 4x more likely than non-daters to have friends comment among each other that they’re “starting to come off as desperate.”
  • Match members are 62% less likely than non-daters to be caught up on “Breaking Bad,” which both sides agree is a shame because that show is fucking amazing.
  • Non-daters are 100% more likely than Match members to know the liberating joy that comes from abandoning hope of ever finding someone.
  • Match members are 65% more likely than non-daters to have spent an awkward evening attending someone’s nephew’s bar mitzvah, only to be dumped via Facebook message two days later.
  • Match members are twice as likely to have tried to disguise a fast poop as a long pee while on a date. Their dinner partner always knows though.
  • Match members are 75% more likely than non-daters to be worried that they look fat, but equally likely to have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting last week. (Conclusion: most everyone loves rotisserie chicken.)
  • In the last year, Match members are 2.5x more likely to have had a disappointing and bizarre sexual encounter, like when that seemingly nice graphic designer who loves Vampire Weekend asked you to put on a wig and call him “papa,” only to abruptly finish, eat a bunch of your cereal and inform you that oops he’s married.

The LMK research also produced the finding that during the two minutes you took to read this piece, 127 people around the world joined Match. The conclusion, as always: People be wanting sex.

Growing up outside of Cleveland, Chandler Goodman formed a youthful and lasting love of sports, politics, comedy, and foods covered in cheese. Writing and improvising in Chicago, he has finally found a community where his four passions intersect. You can read what he thinks about while he’s sitting on the bus at @SuchAGoodman.
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