Yeah, I saw Beyonce in concert. She leaned a little too heavily on her solo material, but I guess we all have our off-nights.

Yeah, I saw Radiohead in concert. Would’ve preferred to hear more B-sides, but hey, I can’t really complain – they got the negative audience response that they deserved.

Yeah, I saw Tupac in concert. Got a good nap in.

Yeah, I saw Nirvana in concert. Let’s just say their sound did not achieve it.

Yeah, I saw Michael Jackson in concert. I liked it the better the first time I heard it, when it was called “garbage truck crushing cans and jars and maybe a stray cat.”

Yeah, I saw Aretha Franklin in concert. So, I’m still a little unclear…was I supposed to like it? Oh, I was? Well, I did not.

Yeah, I saw the Beatles in concert. Thankfully, their ridiculous haircuts mostly covered up their mouths. Just garbage.

Yeah, I saw Elvis Presley in concert. Oh, you think he changed the face of 20th century popular music? In that case, please put a bag over that face.

Yeah, I saw Bing Crosby in concert. My humble opinion: he should’ve been on “The Road to…” singing lessons. Awful.

Yeah, I saw Louis Armstrong in concert. I’ll try to be nice here: it sucked.

Yeah, I saw Tchaikovsky in concert. I’m told that was “Romantic” music. Well, it destroyed any love left in my heart.

Yeah, I saw Beethoven in concert. The man was deaf, you say? I wish I had been, too. Terrible.

Yeah, I saw Mozart in concert. If that’s the music of a genius, I’d hate to see the music of a raving madman.

Yeah, I saw Bach in concert. Bach? More like blech.

Yeah, I saw Gregorian chants in concert. So many voices. So little talent.

Yeah, I saw ancient people figure out the basics of rhythm and melody in concert. Pro tip: banging stones on bigger stones and grunting does NOT a song make.

Yeah, I saw life on the planet awaken for the first time in the glow of a new day’s sunset and birds chirped from the trees and whales bellowed in the deep of the ocean and the lions roared in the mountains and the bears growled on the plains and there was nothing but goodness and kindness in the world.

Now, that was music.

Jamison Webb lives in Chicago. He can be followed and unfollowed @jamisonwebb.

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