If there’s one thing I’ve learned about getting people to like you, it’s that you have to talk about sports. Everybody likes sports! If you don’t like sports, it probably means you’re un-American or like, one of those dirty hippie-liberals. Pretty much the same thing, though, right? (Don’t even get me started—Jeb Bush ’16!) I have been a sports fan for as long as I can remember. Put on any Cleveland game and I will always be the biggest most supportive most loyal fan in the room. You probably saw my pictures of the Indians game on my Instagram. That’s right—we were in box seats! Thanks, dad! He said that me and the boy can take the box tickets whenever we want them, so we do! Being a member of the Northeast Ohio elite is pretty amazing.
But honestly, if you’re going to be a 20-something in this country, you need to like sports. If you don’t, it’s just disrespectful, I’m sorry. Like, people fought for our right to sport, you know? Sports are important because they remind everyone how cool and popular you are. That’s true, everyone knows it, and it’s always been like that. High school politics pretty much say it all: there are athletes, there are girlfriends of athletes, and then there’s everyone else. Luckily, real life works like that, too! There are guys who like to remind you they used to be athletes, their girlfriends, and everyone else. I personally love sports because it re-affirms that who I was in high school is who I will always be and I really, really like that.
Sports are also important because they bring people together. Have you ever been to a tailgate? It’s just hanging out with like, 50 of your closest friends, and everybody wants to take pictures with you. Well, everybody wants to take pictures with me. Just remember that everyone’s going to go through your Facebook albums anyway—unless you’re that trashy ho-bag who is legit STALKING ME, hello, go away, I blocked you—so give them something that will make them jealous. That something is sports!
And now for the most exciting news of the day: 50 more days until the first Browns game!!!! I know because I Googled it. I can’t wait! Football season is the best time of year for all sorts of reasons. First of all, it’s sweater weather and, as many of you know, I love sweater weather! Starbucks and sweaters, you guys, that’s my life! Sometimes my dad can’t give us his company box seats to the Browns games, so that’s when we have to watch it at home like regular people. My man is happiest when football is on TV and he has a cold Bud Lite in his hand, anyway, so I guess it works out! We don’t really talk a lot when football is on, because he says I’m annoying and I don’t know anything, but that’s okay because he’s so happy!
And now for what you’ve all been waiting for: Rachel’s football tips for the ladies! I have my own way of making football season tons of fun for classy, beautiful ladies. I REFUSE to be one of those trashy bandwagon wannabe fans. That’s why I bought a cute pink jersey! I LOVE it! Ladies, it’s only 65 dollars, so it’s quite the steal! I guess my first football tip for the ladies is that looking cute is still really important when you’re cooking food in your own home. You don’t want to embarrass your man, especially on a Sunday right before kick-off!
My boyfriend likes to have all his boys (<3 my boys!!!) over for game day, which works out perfectly for me because I get to make all my favorite football snacks. I love cooking for those boys—they are so sweet and appreciative. They always tell me to get them more beer and they like my cooking SO much they eat all of it without saving any for me! What can I say—I’m something of a domestic goddess. (Follow me on Pinterest at domesticgoddess89!) My favorite football food is most definitely buffalo chicken dip and this year, I’ll get to make it in my new crock-pot! Thanks, mom! Buff chick dip is truly the essence of football season and it encompasses all that is American—it’s literally a melting pot! If you don’t like buff chick dip, then that probably means you’re a Communist.
I’ve covered attire and I’ve given my suggestion for all-time best game-day food. But what do you, as a lady who doesn’t really know about sports, say during the big game? Don’t worry, this is something I’ve been dealing with for years. The good news is that your man doesn’t really want you to say anything at all, so in a way you’re kind off the hook. But sometimes it’s fun to get into the spirit of the game. I have a few go-to’s when it comes to sports shouting:
- “Wooooo!” I like to accompany this with a high-five to the person on my right
- “Go! Go! Go!” I know that when the guy in the brown jersey is running with the ball and no one tackles him, that’s good. So I’m telling him to go, go, go!
- “That was bullshit!” I say this after my boyfriend says, “That was bullshit!”
It’s not that hard to be an awesome fan, ladies. Nothing makes me sadder than seeing lazy women in our society who think they’re “too good” to watch football and make buff chick dip. It’s pathetic. But I have a feeling that if you’re a faithful follower of my blog and my twitter account, you already know what it takes to be the perfect American woman.
Ok, I’m off to spend more time with the boy! We have a super fun activity planned for this evening. We’re going to sit down and I’m going to tell him all of my passwords—email, pin number, Netflix—then he’s going to put them in his phone so he always has them! Sometimes, I can’t believe how sweet and protective he is. If I ever forget, he has them! And the best part is this was all his idea. Ladies, I hope you find even half the man that I have; love is a really beautiful thing.
Katherine Markovich lives, works, writes, and eats in Chicago. Follow her at @markovichsays to read about what she’s eating and watching. And thinking, too, I guess.