I thought we were friends. Friends are supposed to help each other and be honest. You guys really betrayed me.
Maybe anyone could have told me – but you were my FRIENDS – you were the ones who I should be able to rely to tell me things like this. And I find out that I had a booger in my nose for the last FOUR YEARS!!??
You KNOW I don’t have a mirror in my apartment since I gave them up once and for all in the tenth grade. You know it wasn’t easy for me to admit I had a mirror problem and a lot of you were there to support me through that difficult time.
Most of you were there when I hit rock bottom. That morning I went into the school bathroom to fix my hair and didn’t come out until after dark. I spent the night at school because it was shut down and I couldn’t find the door.
Unfortunately for me, that day I also missed my finals and since then I’ve been a grade behind.
But you guys arranged the intervention and organized my visit to Sunny Valley. Of course you already know this about me because WE WERE FRIENDS and WE SHARED SECRETS and PERSONAL STUFF.
Dammit, you guys.
After I found out about the boog’ when stupid Amazon.com sent me an actual mirror instead of the MICHAEL JACKSON ALBUM I ORDERED.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS AMAZON I STILL WANT SOME KIND OF COMPENSATION FOR THIS.
Thank you, Dan, for stopping by and pulling my head out of the shipping box and away from that mirror.
This is hard for me because you guys have all been very supportive at times. But then when I held the reverse-intervention with all three of you about this “record-setting practical joke,” you couldn’t even take my plight seriously and started chanting “FOUR MORE YEARS, FOUR MORE YEARS??!!”
I like a nice joke as much as the next guy but you have to know when you’ve gone too far. I went to job interviews, blind dates, funerals.
You guys got me the interviews at your stupid banks! Now I think that second interview at RBC, Scott, was just so the rest of your stupid office could get in on the joke.
Dammit have I had a hard time finding a job and a girlfriend since college!! Now I find out behind my back you’ve been calling me “The Booger Man??”
What really hurt though was to learn about the betting on how long this would last. This is my life, you guys.
And you managed to get my whole family involved?? I hope you enjoy your $1500,
Mom. You jerk.
You guys, we’ve known each other since grade school. You would’ve all been in my wedding and maybe even given a eulogy at my funeral, except for Cliff. But so much for that now.
And guess what? The goober’s gone and Big T is back. Success is the best revenge, friends!!
We’ll see if you’re in my wedding party now, when I marry supermodel.
And when I make my millions and I drive by your sad faces in my boat I’m not gonna stop and say hi. I’ll be more likely to slap you with a nice fish.
Yeah I’m gonna get some money and some nice friends now.
PS- You’re my last true bud, Steve. Thanks for reading this and checking for typos. I don’t wanna look like idiot and let’s just keep this between us.
Brian Byrne is a comedian living in Chicago. He does improv and writes stuff, too. He’s on twitter @abrianbyrne.