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On this most holy of days, may your Black & Decker® Digital Advantage Clothing Iron free your clothes from the tyranny of wrinkles. May it also free the two of you from relationship wrinkles that stem from shitty looking blouses. Also, may this iron cure Alzheimer’s.

May the variable steam dial of the Black & Decker® Digital Advantage Clothing Iron remind you of the steamy coitus you two shall enjoy together- which will in turn remind you of the Holy Spirit, an invisible, holy steam that hovers above you when you’re slapping your bits together.

Through pregnancies, new babies and new baby Autism scares, may this Black and Decker® Digital Advantage Iron provide you with a guiding light. Specifically, its state of the art backlit digital display, which will be sure to work, even if your baby’s ability to learn social skills doesn’t.

Through years of tiny broken promises, unforeseen tribulations and unmet expectations, may the motion sensitive auto-off function of your Black and Decker® Digital Advantage Clothing Iron be a reminder that your marriage has no auto-off. Unless you count divorce, in which case may the 1500 watt power of the Black and Decker® Digital Advantage Clothing Iron remind you of the thousands of people you would disappoint if you ever got divorced–namely me, the distant cousin who bought you this iron from his smartphone as the mother of the groom walked down the aisle to a scratched recording of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.

And finally, may the $45.99 the Black and Decker® Digital Advantage Clothing Iron be your baseline gift price when you eventually buy me something for my wedding, even though it is something that will never happen because weddings are stupid and love is a lie.

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Brad Einstein is a comedian living in Chicago, Illinois. No, he is not related.
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