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Characters…………………………
Whitney
Alex
That Obviously Closeted Indian Guy
Redhead
Dumb Cop
Divorced Lady


COLD OPEN.
Alex enters holding a box. Whitney guesses it is something she ordered online when she was drunk. LOL, Whitney drinks so she can’t feel. Alex says it is an urn, and Whitney says “oh man, I gotta stop drinking Kahlua.” ‘Everyone needs to stop drinking Kahlua,’ the viewer thinks. Alex says it is his childhood dog Sarge’s ashes.


Whitney knows how much Alex loved Sarge, which is strange because they like to consistently prove they are not really in a loving, open, listening type of relationship. Whitney suggests they get a dog, stating she’s really good at the commitment – aside from marriage of course, LOL. I mean, she still has an AOL email address! Alex does things with his eyebrows, then agrees to a dog. He immediately turns down all of her names before she says them, because he hates the fact that his life is spent with this soulless praying mantis of a woman.


SCENE ONE.
“You get the web on your phone.” The friends are checking stocks. That Obviously Closeted Indian guy is in investments. Redhead wants Divorced Lady to get his help for her finances so they can have a friendship outside of her. Finances are topical. Dumb Cop quotes “When Harry Met Sally.” Here comes a woman joke……yup. Delivered. Whitney and Alex enter to tell their “friends” some news about the quest for a dog. Dumb Cop gets mad and says Whitney will only get crazier and “the second she says ‘I do’ she will cut her hair short, they all do, ” which is kind of funny oh no what is happening to me I am becoming a fly like Jeff Goldblum. “No, we’re getting a dog!” “Like having a kid but you still get to participate in society!” Dumb Cop says to get one from a shelter, because damaged women and all of the pussy.


SCENE TWO.
Oh man, these credits are still rolling. I want to die – fortunately my life span is only  25 days. “Alex do you have any allergies aside from spermicide?” LOL. Alex plays with puppies, Whitney fills out paperwork and gets angry that relationship says only “single” or “married.” Alex says to put single. Whitney mad. “Ma’am, your form is broken.” “Ohhhhh he won’t propose…” Lisa Lampanelli is the fucking lady at the desk. Her face is like a Halloween mask that got run over. “You need to fill out separate forms.” Alex, meanwhile, plays w dogs and says “I’m gonna die from tickles,” which is also funny oh no look extra legs!!!!! Home visit is required due to the instability of their household, citing “Teen Mom” as an example. She is super insulting to Whitney, which feels good somewhere in my stomach that still feels joy and also has an exoskeleton. “This place is filled w dogs who are scared – one won’t come out of his purse! Look at my wedding ring as it tightens on my monstrous hand” (that last bit was my bit, let’s not get confused am i going insane oh no a WING). Alex is now on a “cloud of puppies.” Whitney faces the lady’s comment that she owns the shelter with her husband and Jesus, by doing a cross thing on her chest and then does a mean mug. It was weird and also her sweater fits poorly. Whitney says she can’t wait for smug lady’s visit. Why are all women on this show insufferable?


SCENE THREE.
That Obviously Closeted Indian Guy and Divorced Lady go over her 401(k). Divorced Lady doesn’t expect to live to 65. They try to hug and kiss accidentally. OH MY GODDDDDD. I don’t care.


SCENE FOUR.
“I accidentally kissed That Obviously Closeted Indian Guy!” Whitney is arranging flowers. She honestly does this flower arranging a lot, maybe this show is getting consistent oh goddamnit a SECOND wing. Divorced lady wants to avoid him. But here he is! LOL! “I have a wax.” “Me too! I mean – a meeting.”


SCENE FIVE.
They wait for elevator. That Obviously Closeted Indian Guy offers to take the stairs, they go to hug and she grabs his junk. He feels nothing because he is so clearly gay but he freaks out anyway.


SCENE SIX.
Whitney purchased a cookie candle to show the Lisa Lampanelli that she likes to bake without actually baking. LOL. Alex bought 7 leashes with his internet king money, then says if this doesn’t work out, they can use them for other things, which physically repulses me. “The key to child services is to say what they want to hear and not cry.” Whitney made a puzzle of her and Alex kissing – she ordered it when they were drunk! cullbuck.


SCENE SEVEN.
Lisa Lampanelli in da house. I have my fingers crossed for a “who let the dogs out” moment. Alex owns the condo (bc now it is that) and Lisa Lampanelliis mad bc chocolate kills dogs faster than a bullet! this is not true, considering how many Easter bunnies my dogs have eaten but that is neither here nor there. “This place is small for a puppy.” Uh, what? It is fucking huge. Whitney makes up a lie about them having a place in Michigan – Alex says it’s called Narnia LOL – “dogs cannot be off leashes” who the fuck is this dog cop?! WHY AM I SIDING WITH WHITNEY AND ALEX?!?!!? Lady insults – “you shouldnt have children if you cant handle a dog.” Alex mentions how much weed he smokes – he has no sperm. They show her the kissing puzzle. Everyone weeps, but mainly it’s me.


SCENE EIGHT.
“We were denied a dog!” Uh, duh. References homeless man w four dogs on the corner. We are only halfway through the show, why are there so many more scenes, are they taunting me? Alex is sad bc he wants to bathe w the dog, not Whitney LOL. Dumb Cop says he’ll put a boot on Lisa Lampanelli’s car. “She’s a single-ist.” Redhead says she should tweet that around the same time that my eyes start seeing multiples and transforming. The dudes are harassing the That Obviously Closeted Indian Guy about the weird stuff w the Divorced Lady. holy christ who cares


SCENE NINE.
“I’m your hype man! I’ll emphasize your point!” Redhead and Whitney back at shelter. Redhead keeps saying dumb things, which is sad because she was one “Delocated” once. Lisa Lampanelli offers a disabled dog, because that makes a lot of sense. Why wouldn’t THAT happen? Oh right, it wouldn’t.


SCENE TEN.
Whitney brings home Clarence, a dog attached to an IV. It is a sad basset hound. He is 19. Alex tries to pet him, she says it’s best just to chat. He is blind too. Helen Keller dog. No teeth, bad gums, etc. Collar on him because he had some tumors removed recently. Jokes.


SCENE ELEVEN.
Clarence will not get a ball. Why would he? He’s blind. God, consistency. Whitney gets the ball. She carries him to the ball. They cuddle up to Clarence and watch a movie. Alex was nervous Whitney wouldn’t want to commit to 15 years w their puppy. This is hilarious, considering you can always decide who gets to keep the dog and who gets to keep the condo (hint: the rightful owner). Whitney says she never had a dog before, because she never had Alex. Basically, she is saying commitment is easy w him. Hurray. “I love having a dog with you.” Whitney thinks he wagged his tail, but really he just shit on her. I feel solidarity with the dog.


SCENE TWELVE.
They wake up. I think Clarence is probably dead. Yup. He died. He was alive just to teach them a lesson, just like all of their friends. Now they have two urns! Divorced Woman spills champagne on self. “Whoever invented martini glasses never had three martinis.” LOL. They can still smell him. Other two friends show up with a deli platter. That Obviously Closeted Indian Guy walks in on Divorced Lady in the bathroom. They tell Redhead what happened between them. “There are no accidents,” says Dumb Cop. He accidentally kisses Alex and grabs Whitney’s boobs. LOL. THESE PEOPLE ARE SO UNLIKABLE.


BUTTON.
Oh god, I hope this is the button. Too much. Too much. Oh god. My wings….they’re…..fluttering. Whitney is making the urns talk to each other. Now she is pouring all the ashes in one urn. Why? “Playdate.” Someone just squished me with a swatter and I am happy because I am dead.


Kristina Felske is the founder and chief editor of the Other Otter and a big, big fan of appetizers. http://www.kristinafelske.com // twitter.com/kristinafelske.
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