Keanue Reeves Change A Lightbulb
Keanu₀ ………………………. Keanu Reeves
Friend Keanu ………………. Keanu Reeves
Second Friend Keanu …….. Keanu Reeves
Girlfriend Keanu …………… Keanu Reeves
Neighbor Keanu ……………. Keanu Reeves
Pizza Delivery Keanu ……… Keanu Reeves
Lights up on a large, modern apartment decorated in black and taupe. Low furniture, dim lighting, fashionable and clean. KEANU₀ is speaking into a cellphone while FRIEND KEANU luxuriates in a squat leather armchair.
Keanu₀ : Barbequed chicken and do you have banana peppers? Yeah like the spicy ones? No? Okay. No, not a problem. Just the chicken. Okay. Okay thanks, bye. [hangs up] It’ll be here in like 20 minutes.
Friend Keanu : 20 minutes? Dude, that’s pretty fast.
Keanu₀ : Well they don’t make you a fresh one. They just take a pre-made plain cheese one and just throw your toppings on and bake it. It’s way faster and therefore excellent.
Friend Keanu : Dude, awesome. So who else is coming tonight?
Keanu₀ : I invited Keanu and his girlfriend Keanu.
Friend Keanu : Keanu’s girlfriend is so hot.
Keanu₀ : Dude, I know. She’s like perfect.
Abruptly, the main light fixture in the ceiling flickers out, plunging KEANU₀ and FRIEND KEANU into darkness. Only slight stage lighting illuminates them.
Keanu₀ : Oh, bummer!
Friend Keanu : Did the bulb just burn out!?
Keanu₀ : Yeah dude! I better go buy another.
Friend Keanu : Well it won’t matter once we put the movie on.
Keanu₀ : No I know but I got stuff to make chocolate sundaes.
Friend Keanu : Dude! Excellent! You think of everything!
Keanu₀ : Thanks, dude but how are we going to make chocolate sundaes in the dark?
Friend Keanu : With urgency Oh, man. Good point. We’d better get this light bulb changed fast!
Sound effects indicating imminent danger.
Keanu₀ : No don’t sweat it man, there’s a CVS like right at the end of my block. I’ll just run out and get it real fast.
Friend Keanu : Okay cool. I’ll stay here and wait for Keanu and Keanu.
Keanu₀ : Cool, thanks man.
KEANU₀ exits the stage. A few moments pass and KEANU FRIEND starts talking to himself in the dark.
Keanu Friend : You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?
There is a knock on the door. He stops, gets up, and opens the door. Enter SECOND FRIEND KEANU and GIRLFRIEND KEANU.
Second Friend Keanu : Hey Keanu.
Friend Keanu : Hey guys. Keanu just had to run out and get another lightbulb.
Second Friend Keanu : looking around in the dark Did a lightbulb burn out or something?
Friend Keanu : Yeah, dude.
Girlfriend Keanu: Bummer.
Friend Keanu : Yeah. So, what movie did you guys want to watch tonight?
Second Friend Keanu : I don’t know. I sort of felt like watching The Matrix.
Girlfriend Keanu: with exasperation Dude, come on. We’ve watched that like a hundred time.
Friend Keanu : Yeah, Keanu’s right. Plus the second one is better anyway.
Second Friend Keanu : Dude, what are you talking about? The first one is the best by far.
Friend Keanu : I don’t know, man. I kind of like the second one better.
Girlfriend Keanu : Guys, whatever. I don’t want to watch any of The Matrixes. Can’t we watch something else?
Friend Keanu: Okay. How about The Sandlot?
Girlfriend Keanu : Oh yeah I love that movie.
Friend Keanu : Yeah, man. I mean, who doesn’t love that movie?
KEANU₀ returns with a light bulb.
Keanu₀ : Oh hey everyone.
All Supporting Keanus : Hey, Keanu.
Keanu₀ : I got the lightbulb. But you know what? I just remembered that the last time I did this, I had to borrow my neighbors ladder. So I’ll be right back.
ALL SUPPORTING KEANUS voice casual acknowledgement. Stage lighting goes out on the main stage. KEANU₀ climbs a cat walk to a heretofore unlit part of the stage. There is a door labeled 3-K. He knocks on the door of 3-K.
Keanu₀ : Hey Keanu! It’s Keanu from 2-K.
Door opens and NEIGHBOR KEANU pokes his head out. He speaks with a painfully bad British accent.
Neighbor Keanu : Oh, hey dude. What’s up?
Keanu₀ : Can you believe it man? I had another lightbulb burn out.
Neighbor Keanu : with emphasis Dude, bummer!
Keanu₀ : I know, man. Can I borrow your ladder again?
Neighbor Keanu : Sure thing, dude.
NEIGHBOR KEANU disappears back into 3-K and then reappears with a step ladder which he gives to KEANU₀.
Keanu₀ : Excellent. Thanks again, man.
Neighbor Keanu : Good luck with that lightbulb, man.
KEANU₀ descends back down the catwalk. Lights go down on the catwalk and the dim light comes back up again on the apartment. ALL SUPPORTING KEANUS are sitting in chairs, staring absently at different parts of the room. KEANU₀ walks back inside and they all immediately revive.
Keanu₀ : with heroic confidence I got the ladder.
All Supporting Keanus : prolonged and simultaneous Sweet.
KEANU₀ sets up the ladder in the middle of the room, climbs the ladder and then beckons for the lightbulb. FRIEND KEANUhands the lightbulb up to him as SECOND FRIEND KEANU and GIRLFRIEND KEANU look on. The apartment buzzer buzzes.
Friend Keanu: I got it. speaks into the intercom. Hello?
Intercom : Pizza delivery.
Friend Keanu: Come on up. he buzzes the intercom and then returns his attention to KEANU₀ on the ladder.
KEANU₀ successfully installs the lightbulb and the stage is illuminated. KEANU₀, and ALL SUPPORTING KEANUS bob their heads victoriously and give each other high fives. They stand around and admire the lightbulb. PIZZA DELIVERY KEANU enters the stage with pizza box and knocks politely on the apartment door. FRIEND KEANU opens the door.
Pizza Delivery Keanu: One large pizza with barbecued chicken?
Friend Keanu : Oh, sweet. Just in time.
Pizza Delivery Keanu : peering inside Is someone on a ladder back there?
Friend Keanu : Yeah. with feeling A lightbulb burned out.
Pizza Delivery Keanu : Oh, bummer.
KEANU₀ descends the ladder and retrieves a wallet from his pocket. He pays PIZZA DELIVERY KEANU and FRIEND KEANUtakes the pizza box into the room, setting it on a surface. SECOND FRIEND KEANU and GIRLFRIEND KEANU dig into the pizza.
Pizza Delivery Keanu: Thanks, man!
Exit PIZZA DELIVERY KEANU.
Keanu₀ : Alright, cool! That’s finally done. Did you guys pick a movie to watch?
Girlfriend Keanu : Yeah. We picked The Sandlot.
Keanu₀ : Oh, awesome. I love that movie.
Second Keanu Friend : Unless you want to watch The Matrix?
GIRLFRIEND KEANU gives SECOND FRIEND KEANU a nasty look. KEANU₀ considers the question.
Keanu₀ : I don’t know man. I feel like I’ve seen that a hundred times.
Second Friend Keanu : disappointed Okay.
Keanu₀ : You want a chocolate sundae? I got everything. Chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate chips. I even got reese’s M&Ms.
Second Friend Keanu : Dude, sweet!
Friend Keanu : I know, man! He thinks of everything!
Lights out. Curtain.
Mackenzie Wilson is a reader, writer and lover of science fiction + feminism. She works by day in a HEADDESKing factory and by night she squeezes short stories out of her head with a WordPress or two. Mackenzie lives with her cat Sauce on the west side of Chicago and has been published in the Logan Square Literary Review, Burial Day Books, and The Medulla Review.