In this age of distraction, it is difficult to know if your friends are paying attention to your virtual presence. Sure, you can post pictures of a vacation or write a status about who you are hanging out with, but how do you know this message is getting through to them? Just because someone ‘Likes’ something doesn’t mean they have put any thought into it.
This is why sometimes you have to fish for Facebook comments. You must whet your friends’ appetites for information about your life lest it be lost in the stormy digital sea.
Below are some examples of situations and normal, boring statuses that will get zero comments and an inconsequential number of ‘Likes.’ I will show you how to doctor these statuses up and fish for those comments to make sure your friends know you are alive and deserving of their time!
“Starting as a paralegal at Smith, Cordell, and White in two weeks!”
Snooze Alert! This has nothing to do with me so I’m just going to ignore it and keep scrolling.
Try this instead:
“I said ‘Yes.’”
‘Yes’ to what?! A proposal? A party invitation? An offer for a free sandwich? Oh baby, those friends of yours won’t be able to stand it!
“Just found out I’m going to be moving to Tulsa, OK for work on February 21st.”
This is a boring status about a major life event.
Try something like this instead:
“I think I’ll be ‘OK’ in February.”
This will help your friends realize that something is happening, but will force them to follow up with you, mainly because they are concerned for your mental health. Trust me – those comments will start rolling in!
[Picture of food.]
Jesus. How about we make them work a little for it? This is giving the dog a bone without seeing any tricks first.
Give this a whirl:
“Does anybody know where I can get antibiotics without visiting a medical professional?”
After at least fifteen people ask what is happening, just say, “Whoops, just at Macaroni Grill! Having the pasta. J.”
[Picture of a ring, or a happily teary-eyed couple, or both.]
Really? Christ almighty, you’re just going to announce it like everybody else?
“I need a friend right now as I am on the ledge.”
After your digital Rolodex freaks out (you might even get some phone calls), you can let the cat out of the hat and say “The ledge of excitement! I’m getting married!”
So did everyone else, it’s 9:30 am – big whoop. This status will be generally ignored for good reason.
To get comments before announcing this or any other status, try this first:
Your poor friends won’t have a choice but to ask you what is going on. An ellipsis could mean anything.
In this case, though, it means you just pooped and have a child-like appetite for attention.
Ryan O’Neill lives in Chicago, so if you see him there, say hello. If you see him outside of Chicago, ask him how his trip is going.