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Thank you, ladies and gentleman…

A new study suggests that your personality changes every 10 years, so 2003 me is pretty upset right now…

Taco Bell is hinting at releasing a Cool Ranch Dorito Taco in Spring 2013. And they say America lags behind in science…

A library in Manly, Australia has moved any and all books written by Lance Armstrong into the fiction section. When asked where they put the books, the chief librarian said, “next to the bibles.”

For 49 cents, McDonald’s will now add bacon to anything you order. In other news, for a dollar Chipotle will add Immodium.

Meanwhile, Subway has formally apologized for lying about the length of their footlong sandwiches. It has not apologized, however for leaving a flaming bag of poop on Quizno’s doorstop.

Earlier this month, Atari filed for bankruptcy. When reached for comment, a company lawyer said “bleep, bloop, bwaaaaa…”

Three months after its legalization, the state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant. In fact, they just received over 2,000 resumes handwritten on notebook paper.

Geologists say that in 100 million years, Asia and America will smash into each other, creating one big super-continent… or a really crappy rock supergroup.

On Friday, Yahoo shut down seven of its products, including their Blackberry app. If you didn’t hear it about it until now, that’s because they made the announcement on Yahoo.

In an interview, assumed papal front-runner Marc Cardinal Ouellet suggested that someone else would be better suited for the job. Than he chuckled and said, “Nah, I got this shit locked up.”

A man in Russia was arrested after he let his eight-year-old son drive his truck in hazardous, snowy conditions. Authorities grew concerned when the boy parallel-parked the truck perfectly.

A newly deciphered Egyptian text suggests that Jesus had the ability to change shape. Also, he was sent from the future to kill John Conner.

A recent poll stated that 62% of Americans believe the Republican Party are out of touch on the issues. The other 38% have no idea how a vagina works.

Facebook introduced a restructured news feed earlier this month. The changes promise to revolutionize the way you see the same baby photo for the 500th time.

It was announced that Jimmy Fallon will take over “The Tonight Show” in May 2014, with the option of being replaced acrimoniously by Jay Leno eight months later.

Samoa Air is now charging passengers by their weight. No word yet on the price of emotional baggage.

A new study suggests women’s magazines objectify women as much as men’s magazines do. I’d be much more concerned if I weren’t trying to find the right mascara for summer.

New Zealand has become the 13th country to legalize gay marriage. Now Frodo can make an honest man of Samwise.

Speaking of which, The Boy Scouts of America are finally set to end their ban on gay members. Otherwise, that neckerchief would not make sense.

Sportscaster Al Michaels was charged with a DUI this past weekend. Authorities grew suspicious when he pronounced “New Orleans” correctly.

A prop phaser gun from the original “Star Trek” sold for $231,000 in auction last week. The winning bidder had saved all that money up for his first date, but…

Manti Te’o was drafted in the second round by San Diego in the NFL Draft… but San Diego told him he was drafted by Los Angeles.

Jason Collins became the first openly gay player in the NBA. This came one day after Dwight Howard became the first girl in the league.

Kendra Wilkinson suffered minor injuries in a car accident last week. When asked about her condition, Wilkinson said this wasn’t the first time she had been rear-ended by an 85-year-old man.

The Armed Citizen Project, a nonprofit group that arms residents living in high-crime cities, is launching a campaign to bring guns to Chicago. “Thanks, but we’re covered,” said Englewood.

An American detained in North Korea for spying was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor. As part of his punishment, the prisoner will break rocks, pull plows, and teach Kim Jong-Un how to seduce a woman.

A brother and sister in Florida were arrested last week for hijacking a van full of Frito-Lay products. Both suspects were caught orange-handed.

I haven’t seen “Fast & Furious 6” yet, but I hope it doesn’t lose the lyrical wordplay and quotidian nuances of Michael Chabon’s novel.

A energy drink named Pussy has been banned from advertising on billboards in the UK. Apparently it tastes great, but the smell…

Joran Van Der Sloot got engaged last weekend. No word yet on where the happy couple will disappear to.

Gordon Gee, the president of Ohio State University resigned yesterday after referring to Notre Dame as “those damn Catholics.” In a public statement, Gee said “I’m so very sorry. I was such a Jew.”

An 84-year-old Florida woman claimed the record Powerball jackpot held last weekend. When asked for comment, the woman expressed excitement in being able to pay off her college loans.

Last month, Minnesota became the 12th state of legalize same-sex marriage. As we speak, the only two gay dudes in the state are at Starbucks, sipping lattes in awkward silence.

Ethan Hawke claims that Angelina Jolie was the best onscreen kisser he ever had. Than the Panera cashier nodded and asked if he wanted to make it a Pick Two.

Twisted Sisters, a coffee shop in Mission, KS, has received a cease-and-desist letter from Dee Snider and the band’s manager. No word yet, however on the fate of Dokken Donuts.

Finally, the Boston Bruins are petitioning the NHL to change the length of a regulation game to 58 minutes, 40 seconds.

A native of the Chicago suburbs, Stuart Allard hopes that Kanye West names his next three kids Glenbard, Niles, and Proviso.

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