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Everybody says I’m the best at giving advice. Well, all my ladies say I’m the best at giving advice. I don’t know. I mean, maybe. When enough people tell you the same thing, you start to think it’s true! My ladies and I like to do ladies night at least once a month. It’s really hard, though, because we’re all so busy. We all have boyfriends, which takes up a lot of time, and some of us even have jobs! Being an adult is hard and that’s why lady time is so important. That’s some advice I tweeted last week. You probably saw it. My ladies tell me that my tweets are the best, because I speak the truth. That’s probably why I have so many followers (568) and they all follow me because they want to hear the truth. And now, because I want to speak the truth and reach as many beautiful ladies as I can (except for the gross whores who just want to creep on me, hello, grow up, I don’t even know you) I have decided to start this blog for one purpose only:

I’m going to write erotica.

I know what you’re thinking: “Rachel, you are a classy girl with a bright future ahead of you. Why do you want to be a trashy girl?” Well, I’ll tell you. Some of my ladies have told me it’s pretty good, the erotica, and they told me that their boyfriends are even into it. Sex is okay as long as you do it with your boyfriend, ladies!!! But don’t do it with anyone else, because that makes you a skank. I personally haven’t read any of it—I don’t understand it, so that makes it weird to me. But I think I know exactly what classy, elegant ladies really want to read. So here is some Rachel-approved, Rachel-original Erotica! I think this style of writing represents wholesome lady values while still adding a little spice to life! To give you some idea of the Rachel Process, here are the rules I set for myself while writing:

  1. Use non-threatening words and ideas. Make your pages look non-threatening. Shorter sentences are better. There is nothing worse than giving others the impression that you are a lady who thinks about stuff.
  2. Write about lady things but
  3. Don’t ever write about your lady parts. Ew.
  4. Represent men in a way that makes them feel good. There’s nothing worse than having to put up with a grump! Remember when Carrie represented Big in a not-so-awesome light? Let that be a lesson to you, ladies. Like, that hurt him.

Without further ado, here it is! Hope you ladies love it and you can get some ideas!!!

I knew he would be home soon and the anticipation was making me tremble. I trembled so much that I found it difficult to buckle my new, sexy dominatrix shoes. I bought them on sale at the DSW, the one that’s by Old Navy. They were made of black leather and they were very scary, but in a sexy way. I also put on my sexy scary black leather dominatrix costume. Even though my dominatrix costume is sexy and scary, it’s still really classy, like maybe it’s a vintage dominatrix costume, so it’s okay to wear. I’m not a slut. I couldn’t wait until he got home from his exhausting job so I could thank him (wink!) for all his hard work. I went to the kitchen and started preparing my famous Dominatrix White Chili. It’s very similar to the famous Rachel White Chili, which I Instagrammed a picture of earlier this month.  It has chicken and corn in it and there’s a lot less calories than regular chili and I had been looking for an excuse to use my new crock-pot! Me, the sexy, scary dominatrix, not Rachel. Anyway, I heard him open the door, so I climbed on top of our kitchen table. It’s really nice—my parents bought it for us. When he walked in the kitchen I said, “Baby, have you been a bad boy?” And he said, “What?” And I was like, “You know, like we talked about? A bad boy?” And he was like, “Sure, when are we eating?” And I was like, “Baby, I don’t think you heard me. I’m going to SPANK you with my WHIP!” And he was like, “I said I was hungry.” And I was like, “I’m so sorry for being annoying after you worked all day! There’s white chili in the crock pot! It’s sooo hot!!!” And he was like, “This isn’t what I wanted.” But I knew he was saying all of it because he loves me. And wants me, and stuff.

And then we ate white chili, brushed our teeth, and had sex with the lights off.

See? You don’t have to be a gross, classless girl to have a little fun. Just listen to your man and make food in crock-pots, it’ll be fine. And maybe splurge on some cute new shoes!!! (Just don’t tell him.)

Ladies, it feels amazing to know that I’m reaching so many of you through this blog. I know that some of you need a person like me in your life. It doesn’t just have to be for Rachel Erotica, you know. If you ever have a lady question or concern, please tell me. Unless you’re one of those disgusting girls that I hate—you know who you are!!! Follow me if you want some real advice and you want to hear the truth. You know that Rachel is always willing to spill.

Oh, and DM me if you want that white chili recipe!

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Katherine Markovich lives, works, writes, and eats in Chicago. Follow her at @markovichsays to read about what she’s eating and watching. And thinking, too, I guess.

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