No longer will I be haunted by that grisly image. This summer is all about fun in the sun!

First on the agenda: ride all of the roller coasters! My summer is gonna go by fast because I’ll be going 110 mph during most of it! Speaking of things on tracks, last summer I saw a bloated corpse lying on top of some. His face was heavily contorted and it conveyed sheer terror. But that’s behind me now, because…

This is the summer that I go to outdoor music festivals! I’m going to soak in the sun with some buds, drink some cold ones, and see some great bands. It’ll be nice to enjoy music again. Currently, the only music I hear is the faint sound of the wind banging a dead man’s wedding ring against a railroad spike. It plays on a loop. I can’t sleep at night.

But the only thing that’ll keep me up at night this summer will be my excitement for throwing an epic BBQ party! I’m talking burgers, brats, kebabs. Whatever’s your thrill, I’ll put it on the grill! I can already see myself with a “Kiss the Cook” apron on, manning the grill. I flip the burgers and inspect the chicken, poking at it like a scared boy poking a dead body with a stick. I had to fight off vultures with a pocketknife. Cormac McCarthy could not have dreamed up such a gruesome scene. When I flipped him over, an army of ants came scurrying out. Whenever I see an anthill now it makes me queasy.

I see anthills everyday.

You know what doesn’t make me queasy, though? Water park slides! Wisconsin Dells, watch out, because I am going to be inside you soon! I can feel that water pouring over me, cleansing me of my terrible sin: stealing cash from that dead man’s wallet. It was an inexplicable impulse. Before that day, I never knew I could be capable of something so evil. To get to his money I had to bypass pictures of his kids. Their cherubic faces glared at me, penetrating my very soul.

Well, the only person who’s going to be staring this summer will be me at movies in the park! After 20 years on this earth, I will finally get to see E.T. under the stars! Talk about a classic film. It’s funny, it’s scary, and it’s sad, especially the scene when they report E.T. to the authorities. Oh god, I never reported that body. My fingerprints are all over him.

On second thought, maybe I should catch a different movie. I’ve never seen Stand by Me, but I hear it’s good.

Yeah, this will be the best summer ever! And it officially starts as soon as I get out of this bathtub that I’ve been sitting in for the last four days.


Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham.

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