—Sir, we have a breach on our website.

—Give me the details.

—Stacey Masterson, age 17, gained access to our site twenty seconds ago.

—But that’s impossible. How did she not get blocked when she was forced to enter her birthday?

—It appears as if she lied about her birthday.

—Ok, no biggie. We’ll just remind her about the age limit. Manually pop up the Terms & Agreement page.

—I did, sir, but she just clicked out of it. Now she’s perusing all of our Smirnoff Ice flavors.

—Alright, we’re not working with an amateur. Everybody at your stations!

—Sir, now she’s entering one of our sweepstakes!

—Good. Let her. Her email address will be sent as evidence to the authorities.

—Uh, sir, she’s using an old Hotmail account she created solely for sweepstake entries. It has no direct connection to her identity.

—Looks like we have a student of Jullian Assange on our hands. I was afraid this day would come.

—She’s almost finished signing up. What do we do?!

—The only thing we can do at this point: disable the site and put up the under construction sign with the animated man shoveling.

—But, sir, we haven’t done that since 1996!

—I said put up the animated shoveling man, god damnit!

—The site is disabled. What do we do now?

—We go home. We go home and we hug our families. That’s what we do.

Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham

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