In the early 1800s, the entire government of England was controlled by 200 powerful families. These families formed a ruling class, otherwise known as an aristocracy. You can draw any conclusions you wish about present governments and their manifestations- they are irrelevant. The only political news you need to know is that aristocracy is back and more delicious than ever. The ruling class of the 21st century is bounded not by blood, but cherry. Or blue raspberry. Or Coca-Cola. It’s summertime in 2013, so either you drink ICEEs, or you’re everyone else.
ICEE is the standard of taste by which all other cuisine falls short. ICEE cannot be classified as a liquid (drink it with a straw) or a solid (eat it with a spoon), but rather as a transcendent texture that rejects every label except “delicious”. Fine and dry, ICEE is pleasing to the very bottom of the goblet. The new ruling class only drinks that which rules with class. At the Oz of this creation, behind the curtain, the great and powerful ICEE is made by freezing carbonated beverages using actual carbon dioxide supplies. There are no shortcuts on the yellow brick road.
The term “aristocracy” comes from the Greek word aristokratia, meaning “rule of the best”. “Best” implies that there is competition to ICEE, which is technically true. Just as six-year-old girls use Beanie Babies and teacups to pretend they’re princesses, beverage companies use sugar and ice to pretend they’re ICEE. Basically, companies use different mixes of juice or syrup. This results in the equivalent of squirting food coloring into snow.
The modern day Bastille is various movie theaters and restaurants around the world where ICEEs are served. 75,000 machines exist to dispense over 300 million ICEEs per year to those who refuse to be commoners. While the price of ICEEs continues to rise past George Washington and closer to Alexander Hamilton, it must be remembered that such is the cost of luxury.
A divide between the new aristocracy and everyone else only grows wider by the day. Here, at the dawn of the ICEE era, you are given one ultimate choice. Which happens to come in 36 flavors.
Zach Overs is a comedic actor and writer from Cleveland, Ohio. He is a 2010 graduate of Indiana University.