Hey guys. I don’t want to be annoying about this. When we moved into this vintage pre-war three-flat, we knew it was going to have its eccentricities. We all expected a creaky floorboard or loud radiator here and there. But what I didn’t expect is the complete lack of any locking mechanism on the bathroom door.
I know our landlord Cindy used to live here alone, and had no reason to lock the door. Heck, if I had this entire apartment to myself, I’d shit with the door open while watching episodes of The IT Crowd on my laptop with the volume on full blast! But I don’t have it to myself, I share it with four roommates. And their very sudden appearance last week during what is supposed to be a very private matter was frankly a little jarring.
We all lead busy lives. I get it. If I came home from a long shift at work, legs tired and eyes strained, I probably wouldn’t think twice before barging straight into the bathroom to relieve that stress in a way that only a good, long dump can. But guys, just knock, okay? Then you won’t walk in on anything you don’t want to see, and you’ll never ruin what was supposed to be a fun Easter surprise for you guys. I mean, who wouldn’t love to be surprised by a bathtub so full of Peeps you can bathe in it? Because that’s what it was. An Easter surprise.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad we all live here together, sharing this space. I’m a people person. But sometimes I need my space. And one of those times is when I’m trying to prepare a really fun and cool Easter present for you guys. I needed some privacy to get in the tub and test it out. It certainly wouldn’t be a very good surprise if I put Peeps in the tub and there weren’t even enough to cover your whole body! What kind of present is that?
I know I’ve been taking up more than my fair share of time in the bathroom. And I know this might be asking a lot of you. But seriously, knock first. Let me put it this way, where you may have a nice walk along the lake shore or a quiet evening reading a good book in your favourite armchair, I have the bathroom. That’s my “me time.” When I can do whatever I want. Where I can, I don’t know, hang out naked in a bathtub full of Peeps and not answer to anybody about it.
Not that I was doing that, of course. I was in the middle of changing into my Easter costume. I wasn’t just being some weirdo naked in the tub. That’s gross.
Why didn’t I wait to test the tub until I was fully dressed in my costume? Simple. I was running late. You know I can be a bit of a procrastinator, and when I’m short on time I get a little frazzled. I realized in the middle of changing that I needed to test the tub for proper Peep coverage, so I got in before I would forget. Of course, considering I’m such a procrastinator, you’ll understand that the only tail I could find for my bunny costume was the vibrating tip cottontail furry buttplug. Shame on me for leaving my shopping for the last minute, when only Egor’s Dungeon was open! Although if I do say so myself, still quite tasteful and functional. And it really went well with the all-leather ears.
Once I was in the tub, I accidentally thought of girls and human boobs, and of course started to get aroused. So I did what any man would do, and tried to massage that half-chub away as quickly as I could. I mean, I was running late! I certainly didn’t have time for any funny business.
Look, guys. Let’s just have a knock-first policy on this bathroom door. One quick knock will save us all a bunch of embarrassment. I know, I know, everybody poops. No one is doing anything in there that everyone else in the world wouldn’t do. But let’s just keep that room a private place. Please?
Quick side note, does anyone want a few Peeps? I’ve got a ton that I need to get rid of.
Gary Pascal is an actor, improviser, and sketch comedian from Calgary, Alberta. He is currently based in Chicago, IL, where he performs with the improv team RLM and the sketch duo Ray Bradgary. His other writing can be seen online in his gmail account under the folder “McSweeney’s Rejections.”