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Dear Potential Candidate,

Thank you for submitting your resume for the Associate Marketing Assistant position with The Marketing Associates, Inc. We are very impressed with your credentials, but with the high amount of submissions from many qualified individuals we wanted to ask a few quick questions via email to make sure we want to move you forward in our process and schedule a phone interview.

Please answer all questions ASAP to be considered for this highly coveted position:

  1. Are you available to work nights?
  2. Are you available to work weekends?
  3. Are you available to work weekend nights?
  4. Are you available?
  5. Describe your experience with fine cutlery, cutlery that can cut through softballs, and mediocre cutlery.
  6. Describe your experience working under a company owner’s son-in-law.
  7. Do you have reliable transportation to and from work?
  8. Is this reliable transportation available for lending on weekend nights while you are working?
  9. Are you a man or a woman? If you are, do you prefer men or women?
  10. If I guessed that you were born after 1984, would I be way off?
  11. If you were going to visit the country/countries your ancestors came from, where would you go? (Please list all that apply.)
  12. Describe any experiences dating company owners’ son-in-laws.
  13. Describe any experiences meeting company owners’ daughters.
  14. Please describe any experiences using fine/mediocre cutlery for defensive purposes.
  15. How many emails will it take to get you to respond to these questions?
  16. Do you think this company is a pyramid scheme?
  17. How often do you workout? More than six times a week?
  18. Why not?
  19. If you were to schedule you for a phone interview, would you describe your voice as ‘sexy’?
  20. If we were a pyramid scheme, would you call the police on us using a sexy phone voice?

We look forward to your response and hope to move you to the next step in our hiring process.

Good luck!

 

 —

Ryan O’Neill lives in Chicago, so if you see him there, say hello. If you see him outside of Chicago, ask him how his trip is going.

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