Dear Babies,

Your lack of fine motor skills makes me sick.  Last week I saw one of you try to grab your thermos for 10 minutes!  10 FRIGGIN’ MINUTES!  The only thing that stopped me from grabbing that thermos and pouring it all over your tiny little head was the fact that you have no hair.  You’re a friggin’ bald ass baby!

Babies got no hair, babies got no knowledge.  YOU GUYS DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK!  “mumble mumble gargle mumble.” — You all sound like a bunch of elephants farting into a bubble machine.  If you’ve got nothing useful to say, then keep those mother suckin’ lips closed!

Speaking of farting, um, poop your pants much?!  Here’s a little elementary math for your little elementary brains:  Pureed peas + applesauce = poop.  Breast milk + cottage cheese = more poop.  A cup of fruit + cheerios =  You’ve got no more room in that shitty diaper for anymore poop, so learn how to use a toilet!

I don’t even know why I’m writing you babies this.  Collectively you’re not smart enough to comprehend it.  You’re just a bunch of poopy little babies, and that’s all you’ll ever be.  Good luck with teething suckas!


a 4 year old

Ollie Hobson is a lover of creation. That, and short sentences.

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