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Are you feeling indifferent or marginalized? Wish you were more effervescent or mellifluous? You’re not alone. Well, in one sense you are. But with just one daily 25 mg dose of Groovy XR, say goodbye to your melancholy alter ego. Ask your doctor about all this. Chances are he or she is one of our sponsors and can share with you the salient research data presented during a three-day conference on Maui.

Groovy XR is a breakthrough remedy that straddles the line between scientific ingenuity and homespun wisdom. Our researchers spent three million lab-hours transforming garlic and baking soda into a slow-release neuron stimulator that smells like a meadow at the crack of dawn in a sparsely populated county.

Having said that, do not take Groovy XR if any of these symptoms apply to you or your blood relatives, no matter how distant they are – geographically, politically or culturally:

  • Trouble mowing the lawn in straight rows

  • Realizing when a horse race is over

  • Occasional outbreaks of athlete’s foot, despite wearing open-toed sandals

  • Fear of being manipulated by people shorter than you

  • Unable to separate fact from fiction in cartoons

  • Hyper-sensitive to news of gerrymandering a Congressional district that is not your own

  • Difficulty preaching to the choir

  • Persistent thoughts of living in a different century

  • Inability to discern chord changes in Tex-Mex songs

Groovy XR should be ingested with food. It is most effective when paired with any member of the shellfish or apple families. Caution: When taken with chicken pot pie, it may cause projectile vomiting. Should this occur, ask your grocer to add a warning to the label (after you wash up).

Avoid Groovy XR if you are nursing, enjoy watching a mother nurse, or have man tits. In addition, if you have other psychiatric anomalies, Groovy XR may exacerbate them, causing you to feel even more dreary than before. In this case, call your doctor pronto. Before you turn another page of Mein Kampf or finish watching CSI: Palo Alto. It’s a good idea to have your doctor’s number programmed into your phone.

Possible side effects are too numerous to mention, but the FDA says we have to admit these:

  • Noticeably decreased muscle mass

  • Centipedes suddenly seem too cute to whack with the September issue of Vogue

  • Feelings that one or more Sesame Street puppets has a contract on your life

  • Irresistible urge to have your driver’s license photo enlarged, framed and nailed to the inside of your bathroom door

  • Belief that you know the true meaning of every Bob Dylan lyric

Finally, do not give Groovy XR to anyone who is not you. They may suffer from your symptoms and you may feel an altruistic desire to help them. However, at this stage on your healing journey, you do not need anyone to feel groovier than you.

—-

Joe Fumo is a Milwaukee-area business writing consultant who has published two humorous fiction collections: “God’s Web Site” and “Things To Do This Week” (purchasable on Amazon.com) He has been a newspaper reporter, corporate newsletter editor and public relations account representative . Thus, the need to write silly pieces.

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