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Tabby. 4 years old. Name on collar is Mr. Mittens. He’s a very sweet and gentle cat. He was last seen on 5/9. Since his departure a mysterious foreign cat has suddenly been living in my residence. Although he looks exactly like Mr. Mittens, I know it can’t be him because this cat has been acting like a raging ASSHOLE.

Mr. Mittens responds to his name. He will also respond to the name “Sweetie Boy” or “Best Friend” or “Daddy’s Only Reason For Living.” Whereas the cat that occupies my home right now only hisses at me if I call him any of these things. This doppelganger cat is a nightmare. Whenever I try to hold him he scratches my arms to shreds and retreats to the top of the fridge, where he enjoys knocking off my basket of decorative pine cones.

Please keep an eye out for Mr. Mittens in the park, because this is where he loved to go on our outdoor walks. The Hell beast I currently look after doesn’t even let me put his leash on, let alone go on walks. One of the things I love about Mr. Mittens is that he is grateful that I RESCUED HIM FROM A KILL SHELTER. This new demon cat just struts around with an air of entitlement. I hate him as much as he hates my pine cones.

Reward for a safe return is $50 OR I will lift the laundry hamper off of you in the garage. You can choose whichever reward is applicable to you. You can reach me at 773-252-4206 OR by softly meowing like the cat that used to love me.

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Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham

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