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Excuse me.

Sir!

Thank you for finally seeing my hand waving frantically. If I had waved any longer, my hand might have just flown off my wrist.
Anyway, we haven’t seen our server in over 10 minutes and I need more coffee. I mentioned to…Denise? I believe. I mentioned to Denise how I have some pretty specific guidelines for how to handle my coffee service. Among them was an agreement, or what I thought was an agreement, to look to me before filling up my mug.
She was to look at me and I was to nod back, signaling to her that I was, at that point, ready for more coffee.
Well, it’s been at least 10 minutes since we’ve even seen her body roaming around and, had we made eye contact, I would have gestured for a coffee refill. So, where is she? Where does one go for this long when working in a restaurant?
I’ve waited tables and I never disappeared for this long. Not once. This is unacceptable. Look at this mug. There isn’t a drop of coffee in it. It’s bone dry. Me and my friend have been sitting here just wondering where on the earth Denise could have gone.
This is my friend Molly, she’s visiting from Asheville, North Carolina and she’s never had service like this and I’m not surprised. She’s from the south, where people care about each other. I doubt Denise has a single ounce of southern hospitality in her bones or else she wouldn’t have treated us like this.
Look, I appreciate that. You’re obviously much better at your job than Denise is, but the coffee agreement I made was with Denise, not you, so I don’t want you going to get me more coffee. I want Denise to be the one to fill up this mug and explain her actions, or lack-thereof.
So, I need you to be so kind and go find Denise, and if you can’t do that then I want to talk to a manager because that’s two strikes. First strike was the inability of Denise to honor an agreement, and the second strike would be for your pure incompetence in being able to locate a fellow employee.
And when I get to two strikes, that’s when it’s time for me to speak to a manager. If you’re curious about my two strike system, it’s pretty simple. One strike and you got my attention. Two strikes: give me a manager. Why not three strikes? Because I don’t have the time for a third strike and I already sense a trend by strike two.
Also, we’re still waiting on our order, which has been as absent as Denise has been. Yes, I do know what we ordered, but I thank you for asking since it has been so long since we placed it. I ordered an English muffin and I believe Molly ordered an everything bagel, plain, no cream cheese or butter or anything.
And I wanted a strawberry jam for my English muffin. You guys normally bring me two jams, one strawberry, one raspberry and I just throw the raspberry out anyway, so just keep that and bring the strawberry.

And thank you for being the only one here who’s actually doing their job. You deserve a raise. I’m serious!

—-

Nick Leveski is a cool dude who lives in Chicago. You can follow him on Twitter. His Twitter handle is @classicleveski.
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