So you’re a father, right? Of course you are! Who isn’t these days! Ha!
But if you’re like me then you’re often thinking wait, what should I do here? How do I “father”?
You think I know the answer?! If you think that, maybe you shouldn’t be a father after all.
I’m jking with you, buddy – I’ve figured out a few tricks over the years.
Kids like wrestling so get up on that. Watch some TV and refresh your mem’ on the moves – powerbombs, pile driver, German suplex, etc. These should keep them entertained and wear them out before bedtime – but if not remember the sleeper hold.
If you were made of money you could take the kiddos to a real wrestling match. Get to meet wrestlers, maybe have a real-live wrestler put the moves on you. Remember though to be safe and first have him demo his technique on something lighter like your son. Also that you’re not made of money.
Yes it’s okay to call him your son. Who’s the dad right now? You are, of course. His “real” dad is off having a good old time, enjoying himself in a restaurant or at a big fancy office and you’re the one here with the boy, spending quality time. Speaking of restaurants it’s just like they say in the commercial – “when you’re here you’re family”.
Are you just babysitting? Some people call it babysitting or even nannying or “mannying” but dress for the job you want. Make your own title. You’re a temp dad and don’t let anyone sell you short.
What else? Vid’ games, for sure! Here’s your chance to really shine. You grew up on ’em and have more developed motor skills then these little tikes (I’m averaging the kid out to an 8-yr-old boy here cuz that’s average and what works for him works for any old kid).
True, these young kids might have some new games you haven’t played before. So let me make this 100% clear for you – DO NOT run the risk of playing to their advantage and getting dominated. This would be a serious embarrassment and loss of status for you as a dad. TRUST ME ON THIS IF NOTHING ELSE. Bring your own games (WCW vs. NWO for N64 is a good choice).
Look, I know what you’re thinking – “If I have to I’ll just wait ‘til the last second and shut down the system and then yell at the boy to go to bed.” But again, from experience, this should only be used as a last resort and is real tough to pull off before 6pm.
If you’ve had enough video games, take a field trip to McDonalds. Hop in your car and don’t take any abuse from the kid about it being a ’98. You’re not made of money, and where’s his car at anyway? That’s right, he’s just a kid and can’t drive.
Kids love activities and you’re creative, bro! That’s what got you here in the first place. Make a fun activity out of mixing up ketchup and mustard packets and letting the kid put them back in their places.
Who needs Playplace? Happy Meal toys? With a little imagination, you can stick to the Dollar Menu.
What else you need to know? I’ll be real with you – being a dad straight up ain’t easy. It’s kinda like pimping that way. We all figure it out as we go.
Have fun and be yourself, dude.
Brian Byrne is a comedian living in Chicago. He does improv and writes stuff, too. He’s on twitter @abrianbyrne.