Facebook is the capital of the social world and it designates only one official language (sorry, not “Pirate”). It’s “Positivity”. Yes, life is supposed to be full of joy and happiness, with friends celebrating wonderful moments together. Dates-of-birth and marriages should be cherished; photos and videos, laughed at. However, just as the sun always sets into darkness, Facebook and its giddiness are declining. The time for smiles has drawn to a close and you know it. You’re sick of the 49 baby pictures. You think of calendars as torture devices after the 137 birthday posts. And the 12 wedding reminders push you over the edge. Day must turn into night. Good must become evil. Facebook must give way to…something greater. Something darker.
Introducing the sinister rival to Facebook: In-Your-Facebook, or “IYF” for short. IYF takes your deepest, darkest urges and turns them into the fuel for the most innovative social destruction machine ever imagined. Now, check out some of IYF’s features.
If Beethoven wanted to express himself through music, he had 88 keys with which to work. However, if you need to respond to a Facebook post, you’re stuck with a measly three options: “Like”, “Comment”, or “Share” (insert outraged emoticon). Luckily for you, IYF provides the buttons essential for your magnum opus of social destruction.
On the rare occasion that you still actually enjoy a photo or video posted by another person, you can sell yourself out to the original button.
This is what you’ve been waiting for. The button that says “You’re an idiot” in one word. The ultimate objection to the objectionable. Use liberally.
Facebook does a pretty nice job facilitating hatred with this button as currently constructed, so why mess with a bad thing?
What the Zuck?
Anytime Mark Zuckerberg introduces a new and unpopular Facebook feature, you can click on this button with the appropriate finger to let the CEO know.
Add Friend? Not Any More
The old Facebook wants you to publicly add friends. IYF calls for you to privately add enemies. Simply stalk anyone in the Facebook universe, click “Add Enemy”, and stalk to your heart’s content! This leads the way to some incredible new features.
Private Message Hacking
Do you ever wonder what your ex really thinks of you? Simply check his or her inbox and view the conversations secretly held between friends. You will learn the truth very quickly. Only then will you be properly motivated to use IYF’s other features.
What would your old high school best friend look like if he or she were 30 pounds heavier? Perhaps your ex would stir up controversy with a neck tattoo that read “Slut Brigade”. Or maybe adding a sixth finger to that popular engagement photo would teach a valuable lesson. All of these artistic dreams can become your reality with IYF. Simply click on the photo you wish to change/destroy and let the fallout begin.
Fake Event Posting
In case certain enemies haven’t received the message yet, you can turn yourself into the event planner. Facebook events are mostly irrelevant and ignorable. But what if you could disguise yourself as one of your enemy’s friends and post an invitation to a place of your choosing? What better way to get back at that middle school bully who stole your fruit snacks than by creating a secret society with a severe absence policy? Bonus points for incorporation of mysterious phone calls.
The grand finale of your master plan can be used to permanently alter the perception of the target’s own life. Fun facts like “1988- Adopted from Finland” or “1993- Breakthrough Surgery Successful” can really do a number on a person. Feel free to use the Photo Graffiti feature to accompany this knockout blow to your worst enemy when he/she becomes she/he from Finland.
In-Your-Facebook is set to revolutionize the public display of vengeance in the social universe. The era of Facebook has ended- the rule of IYF has begun!
Note: In-Your-Facebook (IYF) is a fictional entity and any ideas are purely theoretical, no matter how amazing.
Zach Overs is a comedic actor and writer from Cleveland, Ohio. He is a 2010 graduate of Indiana University.