Overqualified, Underpaid

Erin Carter
799 Lukewarm Ln.

Jersey City, NJ 07087

May 1, 2013

To Whom it May Concern:

I am a recent graduate of a four-year university that you’ve probably never heard of. I’d tell you which one, but the crippling student loans that I am currently buried under physically disable me from uttering the name of my Alma Mater. I will say, however, that during my time here, I focused my efforts on studying the elusive art of procrastination, which led me to a last-minute decision to seek out a degree in the esteemed Communication Arts. I recently came across your Craigslist post seeking a well-tendered Customer Service Associate, and, though I wouldn’t necessarily ENJOY this position, I really like the idea of living the type of financially stable life suggested by the listed salary range, and therefore, would like to be considered for this position.

While in school, I spent a lot of time drinking, partying, and of course, sleeping. During my freshman year, in fact, I managed to down one full Liter of whiskey in an astonishing 20 minute period. Despite this, I was resilient: I learned the importance of a good day’s rest and proved myself a survivor with the help of my infamous hangover smoothies. In what spare time I had left over, I tirelessly stressed over finances, weight gain, and upcoming assignments, often resulting in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s “Phish Food” and a good, three-hour tear-binge.

Though my extracurricular activities were rigorous, I still managed to maintain a high GPA and graduate Cum Laude, which my father tells me is Latin for, “not good enough.” I have since maintained a job as a cafe manager, where my primary duties include sucking up to affluent white people for a meager ten cents tip, cleaning up human feces when junkies overdose in the restroom, and making sure that my baristas don’t vomit PBR in the muffin batter on Sunday mornings. While this opportunity isn’t the most fulfilling intellectually, it has definitely provided me with a handful of jaw-dropping stories, useful when entertaining the friends that I would most certainly have if my work schedule were more consistent.

In short, I am a highly intelligent, quasi-confident, yet fully-functioning human being with the ability to converse with others with minimal anxiety. I believe that my patience for those who lack basic common sense and my ability to complete menial tasks will make me a perfect fit for your Customer Service team. Please feel free to contact me via email to schedule an interview. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Erin Carter

—

A.J. Scott is a contributing editor. She is also a Cleveland native and a Chicagoan at heart. A.J. is currently exploring New York City and trying not to get lost every time she steps onto the subway. She enjoys making her cats dance and eating anything made out of chocolate. Tweet her @abbienamestnik.

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