7:06 PM: Keith is preparing your supreme pizza.
7:08 PM: Keith is adding your toppings and informing his co-workers about an epic party happening at Toby Pierson’s house tonight.
7:10 PM: Keith is pretending to have sex with your pizza and is screaming Lacey Swaford’s name.
7:13 PM: Keith is lying face-up on the pizza station and your pie is now in the reverse cowgirl position.
7:15 PM: Keith is dropping your molested pizza on the floor.
7:19 PM: Keith is preparing you a new pizza.
7:22 PM: Keith is re-applying the same toppings from the humped-out dirty floor pizza.
7:23 PM: Keith is arranging the pepperoni so that it reads as “ICP.”
7:25 PM: Keith is placing your pizza in the oven.
7:27 PM: Keith is removing your pizza out of the oven and replacing it with a clay pot because he totally forgot his art project is due in Mrs. Wheeler’s dumb ass class on Monday.
7:28 PM: Keith is shoving your pizza in a microwave.
7:28 PM: Keith is folding your pizza in half so that it fits in the microwave.
7:30 PM: Keith is hacking into the computer system and changing your order so that it looks like you ordered a calzone.
7:31 PM: Keith is tossing your calzone in a box.
7:33 PM: Keith is fashioning a stem onto his clay pot so that it resembles a large marijuana pipe.
7:39 PM: Keith is writing you a personal note.
7:40 PM: Keith is attaching the note which asks if you can drive him to a party later tonight because his PT Cruiser is in the shop.
7:42 PM: Keith is handing your calzone to the new delivery driver who, unbeknownst to Keith, is Lacey Swaford’s brother.
7:42 PM: Keith is reenacting his sexual simulation with the pizza version of Lacey Swaford.
7:45 PM: Keith is crying like a bitch and pleading to the delivery driver not to punch him.
7:46 PM: Keith is absorbing punches to the face and is falling repeatedly on your calzone.
7:52 PM: Keith is getting spit on.
7:53 PM: Keith is nudging your crushed calzone over to the delivery driver.
7:55 PM: Your calzone is on the way!
Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham