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Slice of Vegetable Pizza with Melty Cheese
Thank you for placing an online order with The Pizza Factory. Our Pizza Expert, Keith, will be making your pizza momentarily. Follow our Pizza Tracker below to get up-to-the-minute updates on the status of your pizza.

7:06 PM: Keith is preparing your supreme pizza.
7:08 PM: Keith is adding your toppings and informing his co-workers about an epic party happening at Toby Pierson’s house tonight.
7:10 PM: Keith is pretending to have sex with your pizza and is screaming Lacey Swaford’s name.
7:13 PM: Keith is lying face-up on the pizza station and your pie is now in the reverse cowgirl position.
7:15 PM: Keith is dropping your molested pizza on the floor.
7:19 PM: Keith is preparing you a new pizza.
7:22 PM: Keith is re-applying the same toppings from the humped-out dirty floor pizza.
7:23 PM: Keith is arranging the pepperoni so that it reads as “ICP.”
7:25 PM: Keith is placing your pizza in the oven.
7:27 PM: Keith is removing your pizza out of the oven and replacing it with a clay pot because he totally forgot his art project is due in Mrs. Wheeler’s dumb ass class on Monday.
7:28 PM: Keith is shoving your pizza in a microwave.
7:28 PM: Keith is folding your pizza in half so that it fits in the microwave.
7:30 PM: Keith is hacking into the computer system and changing your order so that it looks like you ordered a calzone.
7:31 PM: Keith is tossing your calzone in a box.
7:33 PM: Keith is fashioning a stem onto his clay pot so that it resembles a large marijuana pipe.
7:39 PM: Keith is writing you a personal note.
7:40 PM: Keith is attaching the note which asks if you can drive him to a party later tonight because his PT Cruiser is in the shop.
7:42 PM: Keith is handing your calzone to the new delivery driver who, unbeknownst to Keith, is Lacey Swaford’s brother.
7:42 PM: Keith is reenacting his sexual simulation with the pizza version of Lacey Swaford.

7:43 PM: Keith is getting screamed at by the delivery driver.
7:45 PM: Keith is crying like a bitch and pleading to the delivery driver not to punch him.
7:46 PM: Keith is absorbing punches to the face and is falling repeatedly on your calzone.
7:52 PM: Keith is getting spit on.
7:53 PM: Keith is nudging your crushed calzone over to the delivery driver.
7:55 PM: Your calzone is on the way!

Spencer Ham is a writer for You Don’t Know Jack. His Twitter handle is @spencerham

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