1. Kansas City Chiefs: Eric Fisher, OT
    Eric Fisher brings a much needed breath of fresh air to an aging Kansas City squad. During the combine, he clocked an impressive 116 in. broad jump – a huge help for the Chiefs, whose jumps have been narrow at best. He also plays the OT position, which will come in handy at the end of games where the score is still tied. A-
  2. Jacksonville Jaguars: Luke Joeckel, OT
    Not sure where to start with this pick. Is it Joeckel, like “Joke-L”? Or Joeckel, like a jackal, the wild dog? Luke could’ve used that final year of NCAA eligibility to sort some of these intangibles out. C
  3. Miami Dolphins: Dion Jordan, OLB
    Great pick-up by the Dolphins here. Jordan dazzled scouts at the combine with a time of 7.02 seconds on the three-cone drill. Impressive, considering the average player probably can’t even finish one cone that fast without getting brain freeze. A
  4. Philadelphia Eagles: Lane Johnson, OT
    Another head-scratcher here. I mean, this is Philadelphia, a town infamous for homophobia. And they pick a player named Johnson? I can already see the bullies circling in the water like sharks. Like… like San Jose Sharks. That’s who should’ve picked this guy. The Bay Area is way more tolerant of that kind of stuff. B-
  5. Detroit Lions: Ezekiel Ansah, DE
    I like this pick by the Lions, especially at this point in the draft. But Mr. Ansah’s got a lot of work ahead of him. It’s time to put down the butter churn and be more open to modern technology, Ezekiel. These are the big leagues. B+
  6. Cleveland Browns: Barkevious Mingo, DE
    The biggest surprise of the first round, the Browns decide to pass on all the available collegiate football players and instead draft the winner of the Westminster Dog Show’s Consolation Prize for Most Creative Name. D
  7. Arizona Cardinals: Jonathan Cooper, OG
    I maybe shouldn’t say this out loud, but this is the whitest name for the blackest man I have ever seen. B+
  8. St. Louis Rams: Tavon Austin, WR
    I like this pick by the Rams even though Austin made the controversial decision to not participate in the three-cone drill at the combine. Come on man, are you on a diet or something? It’s free. You’re making the NFL look stupid when you keep doing these things in front of everyone. B-
  9. New York Jets: Dee Milliner, CB
    My choice for best pick of the first round. Look at all those i’s and l’s all in a row. It looks pretty cool. I know it’s going to be in all caps on his jersey, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Close to the only A+ of the draft, but his name would’ve had to be Hijinks for that. A
  10. Tennessee Titans: Chance Warmack, OG
    The feel-good story of the draft, Warmack went from the mean streets of Harlem as an OG all the way to the first round of the NFL draft. Congratulations, Chance. Your family (and the nation) is proud of you. B+
  11. San Diego Chargers: DJ Fluker, OT
    It’ll be interesting to see how this one turns out. The raw talent and athleticism is there, but questions persist about work ethic ever since he was seen spinning remixes of Ke$ha and Diddy Dirty Money last Friday at Flounder’s. C+
  12. Oakland Raiders: DJ Hayden, DT
    Wanna-be DJ Fluker. F
  13. New York Jets: Sheldon Richardson, DT
    Wait, didn’t the Jets already go in this round? That doesn’t seem fair that they get to go twice when everyone else gets to go just once. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though. New York is full of people with this entitled attitude. D-
  14. Carolina Panthers: Star Lotulelei, DT
    I think this is the Hawaiian My Little Pony. A-
  15. New Orleans Saints: Kenny Vaccaro, S
    The “S” stands for safety. When I was little, I used to play a game with my brothers where if you farted, you had to yell “safety!” before they yelled “doorknob.” If they yell “doorknob” first, they get to hit you in the arm until you touch a doorknob. One time we were on a road trip, and I farted. I forgot to yell “safety” and before you know it, a hail of punches were being rained upon me. I tried in vain to touch the door handle of our Dodge minivan, but they said, “that’s a handle, not a knob!” and continued their unholy barrage of fists. I was crying and pleading, but my parents were just as displeased that I farted in the car and let it keep going. Not until we stopped in Wichita and I was able to rush to the doorknob of the Citgo’s convenience store bathroom did the assault stop. I sat silent for the rest of the trip, dried tears caked to my face and purple bruises littering my left arm. C+

    Gary Pascal is an actor, improviser, and sketch comedian from Calgary, Alberta. He is currently based in Chicago, IL, where he performs with the improv team RLM and the sketch duo Ray Bradgary. His other writing can be seen online in his gmail account under the folder “McSweeney’s Rejections.”


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