Dear Brazzers,

I stumbled upon your website by accident while trying to make reservations for the Brazilian steak house, Brazzas. I got frustrated by their lack of clarity in pricing, and decided to masturbate, so I Googled “aggressive sexual intercourse.” I found your site, which promised to be “The World’s Best Pornsite!” I was excited, but unfortunately, the video I chose to view had some glaring errors that made it difficult to maintain an erection. In order to climax I had to close my eyes and imagine my wife, which is fine. I mean, I love the woman – I married her, and she has a vagina that just doesn’t quit – but that wasn’t the exciting fantasy experience I was looking for.

The errors most upsetting to me were in regard to a particularly busty nurse played by Sexy Vanessa. Now, my wife is a nurse, so I know a thing or two about the profession, and what I saw in that video bore no resemblance to the honorable work my wife does every day. For starters, a nurse would not wear something so impractical in the workplace. Nurses generally wear scrubs, which are breathable cotton pant and shirt sets, and comfortable flat shoes. Nurse Sexy Vanessa was wearing an excessively short dress, which looked like it was made out of vinyl. Instead of cotton socks and sensible shoes, Sexy Vanessa wore thigh high stockings and high heels! How do I know the stockings were thigh highs? Just ask her dress. This attire would make the daily function her job virtually impossible. Immobilized by her wardrobe, I’d be surprised if Sexy Vanessa would have a very easy time helping an elderly patient use a bed pan, or guiding a recovering student athlete through physical therapy. I would love to speak with your costume designer to find out which hospital, at which point in time, had or has this standard of dress for its nurses. I will gladly tip my hat to that person. Speaking of hats, the one that Sexy Vanessa was wearing was costumey and unrealistic.

Shortly after encountering the patient, Nik,  Sexy Vanessa learns that he’s nervous about surgery, and honors his request for sexual intercourse. I find it hard to believe that a woman who has worked so hard to get her nurse’s registration would give in to this type of demand. For starters, she probably knows that as someone awaiting surgery, Nik likely hasn’t eaten in several hours. His strength compromised, this activity is potentially dangerous, and likely wouldn’t be satisfying for either party. Also, moved by fear and hunger, Nik’s request is not being made with soundness of mind. As a medical professional, here in a position of power, it is on Sexy Vanessa to say “no.” Sexy Vanessa is not simply disrespecting her job, but her patient as well. My wife would never do something like this, even if she wasn’t married to me. While I believe this depiction is offensive to the profession of nursing, I was more appalled by the sheer unbelievability of it.

Sexy Vanessa must not have done her research when preparing for this role, because that is not how you take someone’s blood pressure. Where was the director on that one? The producers? I’m shocked that this made it to the final cut. I’ve seen my wife take people’s blood pressures before, so I certainly know what I’m talking about.

Brazzers, I am asking that you reconsider the employment of those working for you. I think firing your dramaturg, costumer, and director should be you number one priority. I am sad because I have a hard time finding pornography that is sufficiently violent but still professionally made, but I will not be able to use your website until these changes have been made. I’ll survive – my wife really is terrific – but I’m sure I’m neither the first nor last user you’ve lost due to these oversights.

Thank you for your time. Hopefully Brazzas has made their pricing easier to find in the time it took me to write this.

Thank you,

Brick Dodson

Julia Weiss is a writer, improviser, and actress. Julia has a big heart and a tiny bladder. Julia likes baths and wine. @weiss_tea.

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