To… Denise? Is that your name?
Thank you so much for this cup of coffee. It’s great. It’s hot. I love the mug. It’s perfect. It really is.
I just want to let you know now that I’m not one of those people who wants a “top off” or somebody who might say something like, “keep it coming!” I like to keep track of how many cups of coffee I drink, so I’ll be the one requesting additional pours. When you “top me off” without my approval, it takes me back to a full cup of coffee and now I’ve forgotten how much coffee I’ve already had.
Also, I know this sounds neurotic, but I also have a nice little system for what I put into my coffee and every time you “top me off” it throws off the flavor balance of sugar and cream.
Look, I get it. You drink coffee black and I’m an adult baby who needs to get my coffee just right before I can enjoy it. I can’t change that.
Honestly, black coffee tastes gross. It just does. Anybody who takes their coffee without any sugar and cream is lying to everybody, themselves included. Have you tried it with cream and sugar? It tastes better, scientifically.
And please don’t tell me you’re not putting this stuff in your coffee for health reasons. You’re obviously hungover and you reek of cigarettes. I know I’m making an assumption here, but you probably smoke cigarettes and drink black coffee. That makes absolutely no sense to me at all. Both things are gross and add zero value to your life.
Unless you’re Keith Richards (or Jack Keroauc, presumably. Seems like he probably enjoyed both of those things), you can’t really like the flavor combination those two things provide.
Okay, fine. Whatever. You can like what you like. It is, as you say, entirely up to you. I know you have tables and I’ve kept you here a while. Just please be aware of my situation, OK? I’ve noticed already your tendency to go through the motions and fill up any coffee cup you see that’s not “topped off”.
Not me, all right? I hope I’ve made it clear that I’ll be taking point as far as coffee refills go. I don’t mind it when my coffee gets lukewarm. At all. It’s easier to drink that way. How anybody instantly starts drinking scolding hot coffee, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s my genetic makeup but hot anything burns the insides of my mouth. It just does and there’s nothing I can do to change that.
Are we good? If you could just agree to look to me first before putting any more coffee in this mug right here, that would be great.
Excellent. Thank you so much, again. Okay, so what else is good here? Do you guys do egg beaters?
Nick Leveski is a cool dude who lives in Chicago. You can follow him on Twitter. His Twitter handle is @classicleveski.